July 1 FUNNY NEWS

Friday July 1


A FERRY broke down in San Fransisco today causing commuter delays.
What's the problem.
That city couldn't find another FERRY in all of SAN FRANSISCO?

My cousin Elmer told me the place is full of FERRIES!



Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Ex-presdient of the IMF or the

I Might Feel You ....

I might Fondle you......
or I might F*** You Fund
(I'm not sure what it stands for)
looks like he might get off. {not in THAT SPECIAL way}
His accuser maid might be a drug dealer and is accused of lying before about molestation.

Strauss-Kahn said that the ordeal has not been all bad.

He really enjoyed wearing the ankle bracelet and hand cuffs

and he didn't even have to pay extra!

 

I have had it up to here with AnthonyWeiner.


What does a sexually disgraced politician in New York do when asked to leave.


Get a CABLE NEWS TALK SHOW!


Weiner will now hook up with Former New York Govenator

Elliot Spitzer for the WEINER/SPITZER News Hour....



It will be on the ALL NEWS PLAYBOY CHANNEL

and Weiner will probably be running the CAMERA phone.

Spitzer's Female Co-host, Kathleen Parker, quit after Elliot

kept trying to stick $50 Bills in her BRA after she told really good news stories.

And are we sure it was Weiner's DING DONG sticking outside of his jockey shorts or his nose?  Have you seen that thing?

You know what they say.....BIG NOSE......BIG KLEENEX BOX
 

A guy was stung by a SCORPIAN on an ALASKA Airlines flight yesterday.      Most shocking was...

 
When his arm swelled up they charged him $35 for the EXTRA BAG!

Gay Marraige NY/NJ

New Jersey Govenor Chris Christie says Marriage is a Union between and A Man and A Woman.

In HIS case a very FAT MAN and A Woman!
(Did he say UNION?)

The Govenor said, "If God wanted Gays to marry he would have created more DIVORCE LAWYERS!"

Mitt Romney defines Marriage as a union between one man and five women.  None of which are named Sarah Palin!

Anthony Weiner defined Marriage as a union between one cell phone camera and any woman not working for Hillary Clinton on Twitter!

And finally, The Catholic Church came out against Gay Marriage saying It could not afford to pay for all of those Honeymoons for all of those Priests!

End of World omission

Harold Camping, the 90 year old radio evangelist, who predicted the World Will End on May 21, 2011

had a Stroke.  The world did not end as we know. 

I think Mr. Camping fell asleep while reading the scripture about the World Ending and did not see the last two words in the sentence....

"IT WILL BE THE FINAL DAYS AND THE BAD SEED IN THE WORLD SHALL DISSAPPEAR AND RAPTURE AND DEATH WILL PREVAIL AND THE WORLD
SHALL END 0N MAY 21, 2011
FOR YOU!"

 Oh.... I see what the problem was...
GOD Tweeted it to him and there were more than 140 Characters!

Bummer Dude

Arnold Has It MAID

Arnold Schwartzenegger had sex with the maid

Dominique Strauss-Kahn from the IMF Fund forced sex on a maid in his $3000 a night Manhattan hotel room.

Egyptian banker Mahmoud Abdel Salam Omar assaulted a maid in a cheaper $900 dollar a night hotel room two weeks later.

Why do old rich guys who have beautiful wives need to have sex with the maid?

These guys just want to have sex with someone who can clean up after them.

Is that you Mom?  No, it's your MAID!

Maybe it's a Drool think...  Things keep dripping out of your mouth when you hit a certain age.
It's nice to have someone near who can whipe it up!

The hot new pick up-line is, "Would you like to come up to my room?
And clean it!!!"

It's not that these women give great HEAD, they give great VACUUM!

These guys don't ask, "Is she great in bed?"
They ask, "Is she great at making up the bed?"

And excuse me but does Arnold's maid look alot like
the OCTOMOM'S MOM

He's lucky she stopped at ONE

END OF WORLD 9-21

I have some important statements now that we know
the world is ending on Saturday May 21, 2011.

Should I hold off on getting my shoes with a hole fixed?

I'm going to save soo much on Dental work I needed to have done!

Should I hold off on returning a NETFLIX? 
Maybe something to watch in the "Here After Lounge".

What's worse.... Social Security runs out May 21, 2036
And
Medicare ends on May 21, 2047....

I don't want to miss that!


See you IN CHURCH on SUNDAY!

BIN LADEN DEAD

DID ANGRY BIRDS

ZAP

BIN LADEN

CHARLIE SHEEN HAD SOMTHING TO DO WITH IT

CONGRATS BARRACK

CONGRATS AMERICA

CHARLIE SHEEN THEME SONG

HAVE U HEARD IT?................. IT SHOULD BE HIS THEME

WORDS

Kelly won't kiss my friend, Cassandra
Jessica won't play ball
Mandy won't share her friend, Miranda
Doesn't anybody live at all?

Amanda won't leave me empty handed
Got her number from a bathroom stall

But I got a girl who can put on a show
The dollar decides how far you can go with her

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Cause that's porn star dancing

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs

Stacy's gonna save her self for marriage
But that's just not my style
She's got a pair that's nice to stare at
But I want girls gone wild

I want a naughty girl like you
Let's throw a party just for two
you know these normal girls won't do!

SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE HARPER    listen

http://youtu.be/VdaKwt5cHEk

MY DARKEST HOUR.....BAND

WITH LUDACRIS & CHAD KROEGER

GUITAR SOUNDS LIKE VAN HALEN........KINDA

HAVE U SEEN IT?................. IT SHOULD BE CHAS'S THEME

CHARLIE.......IT'S YOURS

WATCH IT IF U CAN CAN


ANOTHER
http://youtu.be/f8r2SG9keBg

Charlie Sheen Drug Test

I told Charlie Sheen he was going for a DRUG TEST......

His only question was,

"WHAT KINDS OF DRUGS ARE WE TESTING"?

He said Club and Date Rape Drugs are cool,

Stimulants were OK but Depressants depressed his      dates.....

Hallucinagens freaked him out and Narcotics were his favorites.

Charlie Sheen Winning Girls T-Shirt 2XL Size : XX-Large

Chris Brown BREAKING NEWS/CHAIRS

Breaking news on 21 year old Singer Chris Brown. 
He's Breaking News, Chairs, Windows and sometimes Noses.

Chris apologized for throwing a chair after an interview on ABC's Good Morning America.   He said He was sorry for throwing the chair through the window but RIHANNA just wasn't available!

Chris says his current love Michele E is THE LUCKIEST GIRL ALIVE!         Michele says She's lucky TO BE ALIVE!

If GARY COLEMAN was still alive, he could team up with Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen and make a TV show

TWO AND A HALF ABUSIVE MEN

It would be a HIT!  And I do mean a HIT! 

Someone would be HIT!

Lawrence Taylor Resume

EX-FOOTBALL PLAYER LAWRENCE TAYLOR HAS BEEN CALLED  LT, ALL-PRO, HALL OF FAMER, DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR, MOST VALUABLE PLAYER, COCCAINE ADDICT, SUPER BOWL CHAMP, INMATE, MILLIONAIRE, CRACK HEAD, COLOR COMMENTATOR, TAX EVADER, WRESTLER, ACTOR, GOLFER, REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER!

WHAT A RESUME!

WHAT'S NEXT?????

JUST DON'T ADD
 O J   IMPERSONATOR

TO THE LIST....................................

FUNNY NEWS: CHARLIE SHEEN HOLIDAY

FUNNY NEWS: CHARLIE SHEEN HOLIDAY

CHARLIE SHEEN HOLIDAY

Today is a big RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY FOR CHARLIE SHEEN!!!!!!


IT'S      ASS WEDNESDAY..................

Charlie Sheen SOLUTION

I Have Charlie Sheen's Answer.  Problem Solved.  Winning......DAH

After all of the videos

Charlie should tell them

he was just pulling

a

JOAQUIN PHOENIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were making a movie with your brother-in-law.  HA HA HA Funny Chuckle Laugh
Then say, "Never Mind" and show up at the Warner Brothers Lot with a Latte in your hand and one for Chuck Lorre.

IT'S ALL JUST A MOVIE CHARLIE
ALL JUST HOLLYWOOD

OR IS IT?????????????????

careful DUDE

BEST MEDICINE

Disease                                  Wine                            Daily dose

Allergies                               Médoc                           1 glass
Anemia                                Graves                            4 glass
Bronchitis      Bourgogne or Bordeaux+sugar&cinn.    3 cups
Constipation       Anjou blanc electricity . Vouvray      4 glass
Coronary arteries         Dry Champagne                     4 glass
Diarrhoea
Beaujolais Nouveau
4 glass
Fever
Champagne sec
1 bottle
Heart
Burgundy , Santenay Rouge
Two glass
Uric acid gout
Sancerre , Pouilly Fume
4 glass
Hypertension
Alsace , Sancerre
4 glass
Menopause
Saint Emilion
4 glass
Depression
Médoc
4 glass
Obesity
Burgundy
4 glass
Obesity
Rosé de Provence
1 bottle
Rheumatism
Champagne
4 glasses
Excessive weight loss
Côte de Beaune
4 GALLONS

GASOLINE PRICES RISING

I just paid OMG for regular yesterday to fill my tank - were past the lol

Gasoline Mtbe Btx

air baloon crash

Amazing photos show great detail.



The pilot at low level had no control over his

aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd
gathered for the air show and slams
into four buildings. One can only


imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings. 






I WAS IN ONE OF THEM !!!!!!!!!



CHARLIE'S GIRLS

New Video of CHARLIE SHEEN'S WOMEN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUKPQl9NkUU

Academy Awards Funny

Christian Bale just forgot his wife's name in the acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor.
He just won a big award but is walking off the stage thinking, "I just had the biggest moment of my life and Man and I'm really in the shit when I get home!"

Kirk Douglas was great!

NEW DATING WEBSITES

Here are some new and exciting DATING SITES TO CONSIDER!



Gay Men....instead of GAYDATING .COM now are trying

BEHINDTHEBUSHINTHEPARK.COM


REAL HOUSEWIFE'S OF NEW JERSEY & ATLANTA &

ORANGE COUNTY are not using MATCH.COM but

GUYWITHNOTESTICALS.COM



And guys looking for a REAL FUN TIME have switched from

RATEMYBODY.COM to....


LOCKEDINCHARLIESHEEN'SBATHROOM.COM

Britney New Album

HERE'S ANOTHER BRITNEY VIDEO.

check it out


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYqxIgGBs5U