Donald Trump Golfing

Smokey Holiday

There are endless gifts to get your marijuana-minded loved ones this holiday season. Does your mom love weed? Buy her a trip to a cannabis spa. Does your uncle like to blaze? Pick him up some marijuana-infused BBQ sauce. There's nothing wrong with going the simple route and just bringing home a big bag of nugs—unless, of course, home is somewhere where weed's still illegal.

An elderly couple apparently made that exact mistake this week. Cops in York, Nebraska, arrested an 80-year-old man and an 83-year-old woman for carrying around 60 pounds of marijuana in the back of their pickup truck, the York New-Times reports.

Either the senior citizens have a lot of friends or they were really feeling the gift of giving this year, because they swear that the $336,000 worth of weed was all going to get wrapped up as Christmas gifts.

York County Sheriff's Department deputies pulled over Patrick and Barbara Jiron on Tuesday for driving erratically. As the cops approached the Jirons' truck, they immediately caught a whiff of weed and opted to search the vehicle.

When they did, they discovered bags and bags —and at least one old cheddar cheese ball container—full of marijuana.

The Jirons reportedly told the officers that they were on the road from Clearlake Oaks, California, and headed to Vermont for the holidays to dole out nugs to friends and family like a pair of green-thumbed Santas.

"They said the marijuana was for Christmas presents," Lieutenant Paul Vrbka told the New-Times.

The cops apparently gave a big "bah, humbug" to that and hauled the elderly duo off to jail. The Jirons are now facing felony charges of possession of marijuana with the intent to deliver.

It's unclear whether the couple was actually planning to spread yuletide highs or if they had a secret scheme to sling. Either way, they probably should've been a little more inconspicuous when sneaking weed across state lines. At the very least, they could've disguised the stuff as limes.

Holiday Humor

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”– Victor Borge

“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””– John Leo

"I once bought my kids batteries for chrsitmas with a note on it sayin,'toys not included'"- Bernard Manning

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”– Tom Armstrong

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”– Catherine Tate

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”- Tom Simms

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”– Wendy Cope

"Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help."- Andy Borowitz

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
– Dave Berry

Delivery POOP

A homeowner in Sacramento County, California, is down in the dumps after an Amazon delivery contractor left a pile of feces in front of his house.

Nemy Bautista wasn’t home on Tuesday when the driver pooped in front of his house, but he saw the excrement evidence when he came home. Bautista then checked his surveillance cameras and noticed the driver squatting on the passenger side of the truck.

He tried to get to the bottom of this mess by contacting Amazon via this Facebook post: 

Bautista told local station KBET that the driver’s supervisor came out to investigate.

“He was in shock when we saw the size of it,” Bautista said. “He ended up scooping it up with a plastic bag, but didn’t want to take it with him ― it smelled really bad.”

Bautista told CBS Sacramento that he suspects “the garbage can will smell like shit for the next few days.”

He added, “I also had to hose down the gutter/sidewalk area after [the supervisor] left.” An Amazon spokesman told HuffPost that the majority of packages this holiday season are being delivered without issue and that the company tried to work quickly to make this particular situation right.

The online retail giant also issued an official statement:

This does not reflect the high standards we have for delivery service providers. This individual is no longer delivering Amazon packages and we’re in direct communication with the customer.

The company gave Bautista a gift card to apologize for all the crap he had to deal with, but he told KTXL TV that his real concern was for the customers who had packagesdelivered by the driver after that person pooped.