Cosby Affluenza

TV Star Bill Cosby just got charged with criminal sexual assault for drugging and having sex with a woman in 2004.  

I think his plan should be to head down to Mexico and party with the Affluenza kid Ethan Couch and his Mom.   

They can drink, play beer pong and hide from the law.

But Ethan,  check your Mom's drinks for funny stuff!  

Desparado Trump

To the tune of "Desperado," with apologies to Don Henley and Glen Frey 

Dear old Donald, why don't you come to your senses, you've been out building fences for so long now,
You're a hard one, you think that you got your reasons,
These ideas that are pleasin' you are gonna hurt us somehow.
Don't you build that wall in Texas, Don,
Those workers are so able,
The Mexicans are really our best friends.
And it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table,
So it's time for you to finally make amends.

Dear old Donald, you ain't getting no younger,
Your wealth and your hunger are driving you nuts.
And freedom, oh freedom, that's America talkin',
Go out and go golfin' and start making your putts.

You know the poor get cold in the wintertime,
When the snow comes down and the sun won't shine,
It's hard for them to get enough to eat.
Your losin' all your good intents,
Please why not try some common sense, you sleaze?

Dear old Donald, why don't you come to your senses,
Stop talkin' 'bout fences, let's open our gates,
It might seem scary, but we're a really strong nation,
You must remember Lady Liberty,
Remember Lady Liberty, remember Lady Liberty, before it's too late.

Syria Apples

Fun Fact

If you are reading this on your I Phone, I Pad or Mac    

Keep in Mind

That 

STEVE JOBS

Was the son of a

Syrian Immigrant to The USA

Trump immigrated from 

Queens after his dad left him a real estate empire.

ISIS MAFIA

This was on a wall in New York City

ISIS

I SWEAR

IF I HEAR THE WORD

ISIS

ONE MORE TIME......

I WILL BLOW MYSELF UP!

And why do the women cover themselves up?

Trump Facelift

Did this guy get a DONALD?

Love Birds

Democratic Debate

I'm sitting here in the relative comfort of my living room, waiting to finish Stephen King's 11/22/63, and wondering how he's going to make it all work out. It's pretty safe bet that Ms. Clinton wishes she could climb down through a time-trap door of her own into the recent past, sometime before the Benghazi Nazis committed mayhem, so she could save those four members of the diplomatic corps. Not only to save their lives, but to save her pride and dignity, and avoid the frying pan being swung madly at her coiffured bouffant by the highly partisan partisans running the McCarthyesque Congressional committee she's facing today. Back into the Future may have missed the boat on the Cubs, but the prequel, Blasting Back into the Past, is spot on. One Joe tells us he's not running, and on the flip side another Joe is drooling in anticipation as he awaits the arrival of Elia Kazan in the witness box.

Of course, this could turn out to be the best publicity she could ever hope to have. If the American people were wondering how she would perform under pressure and if she had the chops to demonstrate her detailed knowledge of foreign policy and the intimate workings of the military, they're getting their money's worth. And if anyone doubted that right-wing wackos were running amok in the halls of Congress, they now not only have Senator Cruz to fear, they also have these bozo fools to suffer. 

Remember the last time a Clinton was under the gun by these same wackos? It was all over some hanky-panky in the Oval Orifice. How times have changed. Or not. And then we had the Clarence Thomas hearings, followed by the Clarence Thomas rulings, which included pulling the rug out from under Al Gore, and handing the reins of government over to Junior, who led us into the worst foreign policy disaster in modern history. Which brings us full circle to Libya and these circus hearings. What comes around, goes around, bites you in the ass, and doesn't even leave a hickey. Stay tuned for Donald's take on this. But I forgot, he already thinks she was the worst Secretary of State in American history.

Republican debate 1

The supposedly biased "liberal" press machine was the target of several full-frontal attacks by Republican candidates for president as CNBC hosted the third Republican debate last night. Ted Cruz said that journalists had lobbed big, fat, softball questions to the Democratic candidates at their first debate, and had praised them as wise and handsome. I don't remember that happening, but Bernie Sanders may now be wondering whom Cruz thought was handsome and whom he thought was wise.

Marco Rubio claimed that the press had lauded Clinton for having a great week with her performances at the Democratic debate and in the dragons' den that was the congressional hearing on the tragedy in Benghazi, when in fact, he said, all she did was prove that she was a liar. Donald Trump denied having accused Mark Zuckerberg of being in the political pocket of Rubio, whom he immediately complimented, and the moderator backed down and apologized. Of course, she was right, and it is telling that she got her Trump quote off his own website, which the Don might want to review every once in a while.

But when it comes to picking the winner at the debate it was no contest: the French work week. Jeb Bush was making the point that Rubio has been noticeably absent for many Senate votes during the course of his campaign for president, and said that maybe Marco was treating his job as Senator from Florida as a French worker might, only showing up three days a week. First of all, my question is: who has landed all these cushy jobs in France, and where do I sign up? When I worked in Paris at Schlumberger, I showed upMonday to Friday, and so did everyone else.

But Bush's comment may finally bring focus to the fact that a shorter work week is a very good idea, and that recent research has shown that productivity goes up and employee morale soars when when everyone has more time for family, friends and fraternity. With the huge advances in technology we have made over the years, we don't need as much time to do the same tasks. Even Henry Ford realized that you can't overwork your workers, and that a decent work-life balance is a win-win for everyone (maybe I should say, win-win-win-win-ad infinitum).

I was also very happy to hear that Ted Cruz realizes he isn't someone I would want to go out and have a beer with ("I saw him the other day at a roadside bar, he was walking in, I was walking out, we went back inside, had a few drinks, and all we kept talking about was, glory days, glory days, glory days"). However, I probably would enjoy having a beer with any of the other candidates, as long as they were buying, so I could at least try to understand what makes them tick, and discover why they have such a skewed vision of reality.

A few final stage notes to the candidates. Jeb Bush, think about this: if we all worked a three-day week, there would be so much more time for Fantasy Football. Carly Fiorina: get a new hairdo. Marco Rubio: take a hint from another Frenchman, former President Nicolas Sarkozy, and find some lifts for your shoes. With your youthful looks, you could have been a senior in a high school debating the dress code. And for everyone, lay off the press and stopping shooting the messenger.

COSBY

Stardom
Is as 
INTOXICATING

as 
WHAT 
COSBY
put into
THEIR DRINK

Breast Hispanic Food Coffee

It's National Breast Cancer Month

It's National Hispanic Month

National Food Alergy Day is Coming up and

National Coffee Day was Last Week!

So If You Are Hispanic, Have Breast Cancer, a Food Alergy and Drink Coffee.

THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!

Caitlyn Freezes Hillary

Woman Arrested After Her Boyfriend's Body is Found in a Freezer in Her Living Room

Hey

She just thought he was VERY COOL!

Hillary has Long History of Beating up Bill behind Closed Doors:  BOOK

Hey

I bet the first place she hit him was in his BALLS!

Kris Jenner Goes Off About Caitlyn Jenner on "KUWTK"  'He Can Go Fuck Himself'

Hey 

I think he already did.  He has BOTH PARTS now, I think!

Tatum, Knievel, TRUMP

Channing Tatum is starring in a new film about The Great Stuntman EVEL Knievel.  Knievel broke 400 bones in his career and Channing does his own stunts as we saw in MAGIC MIKE.  He didn't break his hip once!

Johnny Depp stars as mobster/killer Whitey Bolger.  The victims of Bolger don't want him glorified but Johnny came out and said that "Everybody has a humane side."  Sure, sometimes Bolger would let the people lay down before him cut them up and shot them.  This film might resurrect someone's DEAD Career.  Hey Johnny, just read the lines.

There is a daytime talk show called THE REAL.
The young ladies talk about how it is good to look however you are.  Tall, fat, not so good looking, it is OK to be who you are no matter what you think is wrong with you.
Then they have a segment called "How to take FIVE POUNDS OFF OF YOUR FACE!"

What did DONALD TRUMP say when he went BANKRUPT?

"I don't have TOUPEE!"

Trump, Giants, Utah,

A 15 year old kid was arrested for wanting to blow up the Pope.  Is he old enough to blow up the Pope?  Don't you have to be a certain legal age before you can blow things up?

Neil Patrick Harris's show is "The Most Boring Show EVER!" 

Donald Trump leads with Evangelicals.  He is divorced three times and does not know the address of his church.  In his church, people believe in the HIGHER Power.  Called Money!

The New York Giants lost a close one.  I think their problem is that their rich quarterback and coach's combined age is 300.

The #1 happiest state is UTAH.
The reason:  Each man 15 wives!

Jared Subway

Jared Fogle was released by Subway Sandwiches.

But he has a new job with

YOUNG CHICK-FIL-A!

At least he knocked Donald Trump from the front headlines.

VOTE FOR Trump

Want a reason to vote for Trump??

Here's a good one. 

This woman would be our First Lady...

As Barney Frank said
The Republicans are trying to do
Shakespeare
With a DRUNK in the Room 

AND, I think she would look great

on the 10 Dollar Bill!

Boston Bomber Death

Hey Criminals!

A little advice!

If you are up for the death penalty

maybe don't

do this!

Sofia Vergara movie TANKED

Sofia Vergara had a movie out this week called "Hot Pursuit" which TANKED.
  It made very little money.

Sofia should not be depressed.  But she should stay home today in bed and sulk.

Maybe have some comfort food like EGGS.

I wonder if she likes them 
OVER-EASY or FROZEN!

Mayweather Jenner

So Floyd Mayweather Jr beat up Manny Pacquiao.

I heard Mayweather also pleaded guilty to beating his wife and his girlfriend in Vegas and Michigan.

I also heard that his next bout will be with

Bruce Jenner!

Stoner List

Bruce Jenner Jender

Congradulations to Mr. Bruce Jenner on his coming out on national TV exposing Transgender Change.  

The one definite thing the interview did was show that living with The Kardashians could possibly cause a Male Champion to cut of his Ding-dong, weiner, thingy, package, member, phallus, cock, penis, dick, ding-a-ling, pecker, peter, prick, putz, shaft, tool, johnson, manhood, schlong, willy, sausage, and/or wood!

Just kidding

At Least Shave an Adam's Apple

Run Bruce Run

Jump Every Hurdle
Even in a Girdle!

Drug Commercial Song

Vault into Space

Firefighters spent five hours freeing two boozy revellers trapped in a disused bank vault.

The men dialled 999 on their mobile phones at 1.48am, fearing they were running out of oxygen.

The pair climbed into the underground vault during a party inside a former bank building in Cardiff, England.

Firemen drilled a hole to get fresh air into the vault and were able to talk to the men to keep them calm.

Specialist rescue teams then freed the red-faced but unharmed pair at 6.45am.

It makes sense when you think about it ... maybe.

A San Francisco man accused of burglarizing an apartment last May was acquitted earlier this week after his attorneys successfully argued that the suspect was actually attempting to board a spaceship he thought was on its roof.

Public defender Jeff Adachi told the court that Santonio Aviles, 41, was suffering meth-induced psychosis and believed the end of the world was here.

Aviles somehow convinced a resident of the building to let him into the complex. Once inside, he climbed onto the fire escape and found an open window that he used to enter an apartment and take a short nap.

When Aviles awoke, he threw an inflatable exercise ball onto the fire escape figuring he could use it as transportation into the next Galaxy. He also stole a backpack from the apartment and loaded it with a passport and earthquake kit in case the next Galaxy had none.

The passport wasn't Aviles'. It belonged to a woman who, like him, had long dark hair. Aviles testified that he believed the passport would ensure his seat on the spaceship, according to a release by the San Francisco Public Defender's Office.

At some point while Aviles was getting ready to leave Earth forever, the apartment resident and his girlfriend woke up to see a strange man in their home.

The resident tackled Aviles and began punching while the woman hit the suspect with a baseball bat. Then the pair called 911.

Aviles suffered a black eye and various bruises, scratches and scrapes, according to the release. The man who lived in the apartment suffered an injured toe and developed a rash from the encounter.  EWE A RASH!  SpaceRash

Chris Christie Mad

Dancing with the Stars

The First Openly Gay Football Player
who was on Dancing with the Stars 
Got Voted Off Tonite
and 
was Eliminated, 
Gone, 
Bye Bye.

Turns out,
All of The Dancers on The Show
Got Together and said,

"He's not gay enough!"

Sorry

NO PARKING A-HOLE

White Guy

That guy is such a "White Guy" 

He thinks Human Struggle means getting out of Yoga Pants

He thinks Selma, Alabama is a point guard in the WNBA

When he met USHER at an Awards Show....
He asked him to take him to his seat

When he says he has an African Friend 
it's Oscar Pistorius

He thinks The Ferguson riots were about 
Craig Ferguson leaving Late Night

Most Famous Irish

I heard the most famous Irish person in The World is

Shaquille O'Neal!






When I get depressed I cry and put on my Sweat Pants.  When Chinese kids get depressed they cry and make me sweat pants.

Do you need a password to use a 

WIRELESS BRA?

Blurred Lines Blurred Times

Robin Thicke noticibly ripped off Marvin Gaye's 1977 hit "Got to Give it Up"when he wrote the s,ash hit "Blurred Lines" with Pharrell Williams and T.I. a Los Angeles jury has decided.

They must pay Gaye's family $7.3 Million dollars.

BUT DID YOU KNOW

"Blurred Lines,"  set a new record -- radio audience, having reached nearly 250 million listeners, which bests the previous record of 188.8 million by a considerable amount. This comes on the heels of the song becoming 2013's longest-reigning no. 1 on the Hot 100 chart, having held the spot for seven weeks.  Blurred Lines" was an immense success worldwide, peaking at number one in 20 countries. In the US, it was the longest running number one single of 2013 and of the entire decade. The song subsequently became one of the best-selling singles of all time, with sales of 14.8 million,^[3] simultaneously breaking the record for largest radio audience in history.^[4] The single was nominated for two Grammys at the 56th Annual Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year and Best Pop Duo/Group Performance.Blurred Lines" peaked at number one in 14 countries, becoming Thicke's highest charting song in all of these countries. In Australia, the song was certified quadruple platinum for shipments of 280,000 and triple platinum in New Zealand for sales of 45,000.^[25]"Blurred Lines" peaked within the top five of 14 countries including France and Switzerland. The song is currently the longest-running number-one single of 2013 in Australia and New Zealand, having topped the ARIA Singles Chart for eight consecutive weeks in Australia, and the RIANZ Singles Chart for 11 non-consecutive weeks in New Zealand.^[26] 

In mid-May, Robin Thicke and Pharrell performed it live on NBC's The Voice. Immediately afterwards the song flew up to number 12 on the Hot 100.^[31] Not long thereafter it peaked at number one, becoming Thicke's highest peaking song on the chart in his recording history. It also became Thicke's first chart entry since "Sex Therapy" and his second top 20 ever, after "Lost Without U". The track is also Pharrell's third Billboard Hot 100 number one single and T.I.'s fourth. As of June 12, 2013, "Blurred Lines" has sold 1 million copies in the United States since its release, becoming Thicke's first single to do so.^[32] As of the chart issue dated September 7, 2013, the song is the longest-running number-one single of 2013 with 12 weeks at the top.^[33] The song is also the first to claim the top "Digital Gainer", top "Airplay Gainer" and the top "Streaming Gainer" simultaneously, and to be awarded the top "Airplay Gainer" for 9 (and afterwards 10) weeks.^[32][34] As of August 8, it also broke the record for the all-time highest number of radio impressions during a single week in the US, with 219.8 million impressions (which it later extended to 228.9 million impressions the week after), surpassing the eight-year-old record of 212.2 million impressions, set by Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together", and is the first song to have four or more weeks of downloads of over 400,000 in the US.^[34] On week ending September 14, 2013 it was knocked off number one by Katy Perry with her single "Roar".^[35] Blurred Lines was also the No. 1 song of the year on iHeart Radio's Top 100 Countdown for 2013. The song was also the first disco song to reach number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 since Upside Down in September 1980. It became the best-selling song of 2013 in the US, selling 6,498,000 downloads in 2013.^[36] By April 2014, the single had reached its 7 million mark in sales, taking 56 weeks to reach this mark.^[36] It has sold 7,049,000 copies in the US as of May 2014.^[37]

In Canada, the song reached number one for 13 consecutive weeks, becoming the longest-running number-one single of 2013.

On July 28, 2013, "Blurred Lines" broke the record for radio audience previously held by Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" in 2005. A press release from Interscope said as of the last week in July 2013, the track reached more than 242.65 million listeners.^[44]

In April 2014, "Blurred Lines" was revealed as the most downloaded song in UK chart history,^[45] though it has since been overtaken by Williams' own single "Happy".^[46]

It became Thicke's most successful song, being his first to reach number one on the Hot 100 (he previously peaked at number 14 in 2007 with "Lost Without U"). It also marks Pharrell's third Hot 100 number one, after "Drop It Like It's Hot" with Snoop Dogg in 2004 and "Money Maker" with Ludacris in 2006, and T.I.'s fourth Hot 100 number one after "My Love" with Justin Timberlake in 2006, and his own singles "Whatever You Like" and "Live Your Life" in 2008.^[47] The song has been a worldwide hit, also topping the charts in Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Ireland, Spain, Germany, the Netherlands, Poland and the United Kingdom, as well as the top ten in Belgium, Denmark, Lithuania, France, Iceland, Italy, Portugal and Switzerland. In the United States, the song topped the Billboard Hot 100 for twelve consecutive weeks, becoming the longest running number one single of 2013 and of the 2010s decade, surpassing Rihanna's "We Found Love" (2011). This feat also gave him the eighth lead male solo artist in Billboard history to rack ten or more weeks at the number one spot for a single.^[48] It sold over 5 million copies in just 22 weeks in the US, and 6 million in 29 weeks, faster than any other song in digital history.^[33][49] Internationally, the single was the best-selling digital single of 2013 and is currently the second best-selling digital single of all time, behind The Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling". It was the second best-selling song of 2013 in the US and the best-selling song of 2013 in the UK.^[36][43]

§Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" Breaks Radio Airplay Record.Blurred Lines" was an immense success worldwide, peaking at number one in 20 countries. In the US, it was the longest running number one single of 2013 and of the entire decade. The song subsequently became one of the best-selling singles of all time, with sales of 14.8 million,^[3] simultaneously breaking the record for largest radio audience in history.^[4] The single was nominated for two Grammys at the 56th Annual Grammy Awards, including Blurred Lines" was an immense success worldwide, peaking at number one in 20 countries. In the US, it was the longest running number one single of 2013 and of the entire decade. The song subsequently became one of the best-selling singles of all time, with sales of 14.8 million,^[3] simultaneously breaking the record for largest radio audience in history.^[4] The single was nominated for two Grammys at the 56th Annual Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year and Best Pop Duo/Group Performance.Record of the Year and Best Pop Duo/Group Performance.

BLURRED LINES WAS SO GOOD AND SO 

BIG THAT YESTERDAY MARVIN GAYE

 ROLLED OVER IN HIS GRAVE AND SAID,

           "I WISH I WROTE THAT SONG!"

How to WIN LOTTERY

Here are things to do to win the lottery.  

Odds are 1 in 175 Million!

Better chance of being hit Crossing the Street

Being drafted by THE NBA

Crushed by an ASTROID is 1 in 700, 000

Having an 11th TOE

Being struck by an AIRPLANE falling from the sky..... TWICE

DIE/OR KILL someone driving to buy the lottery ticket   1 in 33 million

Here's More

Dying from being struck by lightning

Odds: 1 in 3 million

Source: Harvard School of Public Health

The chances of being hit by lightning at all over an 80-year lifetime are 1 in 10,000, according to the National Weather Service.

Drowning — or other beach-related fatalities

Odds: 1 in 2 million

Source: Florida Museum of Natural History, based on U.S. beach injury statistics in 2000

Being attacked by a shark

Odds: 1 in 11.5 million

Source: Florida Museum of Natural History

Dying from a bee sting

Odds: 1 in 6.1 million

Source: Harvard School of Public Health

Dying in a plane crash

Odds: 1 in 11 million

Source: PBS' "Nova," based on data from the U.S. Department of Transportation

Becoming president of the United States

Odds: 1 in 10 million

Source: International Business Times

Having conjoined twins

Odds: 1 in 200,000

Source: University of Maryland Medical Center

Being crushed and killed by a vending machine

Odds: 1 in 112 million

Source: Discovery News

Being killed using a right-handed product, if you're left-handed

Odds: 1 in 7 million

Source: Gizmodo

Hitting a hole-in-one on two consecutive, par-3 holes

Odds: 1 in 156 million

Source: U.S. Hole in One, which insures golf prizes for holes in one

Also of note, the chances of an amateur golfer making a single hole-in-one on a par-3 hole is about 1 in 12,500.

Hitting a deer while driving in Hawaii

Odds: 1 in 6,267

Source: State Farm, from a 2011 study on collissions between vehicles and deer, said to be least likely in the state of Hawaii.

Picking a perfect NCAA bracket

You're 13 times more likely to pick a perfect NCAA bracket. My recommendation is to go with the cutest mascots.

Odds: 13,460,000 to 1

Visiting the ER due to a pogo stick injury

You're 1,526 times more likely to visit the ER due to an injury from a pogo stick. Just say no to the pogo.

Being Canonized

You're almost 9 times more likely to be canonized. A boy can dream.

Odds: 20,000,000 to 1 

Dating a supermodel

You're 2,000 times more likely to be currently dating a supermodel. So you're saying I have a chance?

Odds: 88,000 to 1 

Being murdered

You're 9,777 times more likely to be murdered. But the odds even out A LOT if you know a guy with an old hockey mask and a machete. Oh... And if you live anywhere near Crystal Lake.

Odds: 18,000 to 1

Winning an Academy Award

You're 15,000 times more likely to win an academy award. Odds they like you? They really like you? Much, much worse.

Odds: 11,500 to 1

Marrying after 40

You're 123,000,000 times more likely to get married after the age of 40. Utah mothers everywhere can breath a sigh of relief. And Jen, just relax. It'll come.

Odds: 2.5 to 1

Dating a Millionaire

You're 818,600 times more likely to date a millionaire. And millions of college students wondering how they're going to pay off their student loans breath a sigh of relief.

Odds: 215 to 1 

Losing an appendage to a chainsaw

You're 39,426 times more likely to be seriously injured by a chainsaw. I keep writing my congressman about those outdated chainsaw control laws. When will they ever listen? 

Odds: 4,464 to 1 

Finding out your child is a genius

You're 704,000 times more likely to find out your child is a genius. And to think, I have four of them!

ALL IT TAKES IS A DOLLAR 

AND A DREAM.....

ESPECIALLY IF YOUR DREAM

IS TO LOOSE A DOLLAR!

GOOD LUCK