Saturday, February 11, 2012

Life Expectancy

This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy. It's pretty cool.



It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life.

It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.

Yet, they believe they can predict how long you're likely to live.



http://media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan



Sunday, January 29, 2012

Mitt, Newt and Steven Tyler

I think Mitt Romney should be running for the President of Switzerland!

Mitt Great-Grandfather, Miles Parker Romney, had too many wives and moved them to Mexico.

Mitt Romney has too many dollars and moved them to Switzerlan and The Caymen Islands!

And Newt Gingrich was a lobbyist with ethics violations who cheated on his wives.

And don't mess with his wife Callista.....

She will cut you man.... with her hair!

Hey, don't worry Republicans,

I heard that Steven Tyler will be ready to jump into the race right after he's fitted for his Wonder Bra.

Dude looks like a lady!

AND WORKERS

At work you can hold up this picture and yell out loud,

"Steven Tyler has bigger boobs than......" (stop and pause)

One girl, some girl will definitly yell out, "Me!"  

Girls know.  They just know.

Friday, January 13, 2012

John Edward's Girlfriends Box

Ex Presidential candidate John Edwards who had an affair and a love-child with another woman while his wife was dying of cancer, has major heart problems.
Doctors are having a hard time FINDING one in him!

They say his illness is LIFE Threatening.  How about when ELIZABETH found out about the other woman?
Now that probably got near LIFE Threatening.  She probably slapped him so hard!

Also
A man in England was so bored with his fiance that he put her in a computer box and tried to
bury her alive.
He proved the old Proverb: 
Girls!
Can't live with them.....
and Can't keep them buried alive in a computer box!

Tim Tebow & Katy Perry

Katy Perry may start dating Tim Tebow according to Evangelical TMZ.

He is a Christian.  She was a big Christian singing star.  Her parents are Ministers.

I heard GOD made the fix on that whole Russel and Katy marraige thingy.


Russel was Hot and Cold and Drunk and Stoned and addicted to sex like an E.T. (Eternal Teenager)

And I also heard that when Tim Tebow Kissed A Girl it was his Mother!

Katy had a Teenage Dream that Tim would fall for a California Gurl.


He's a  Firework.


And Maybe one day she'll be Waking Up In Vegas with a BRONCO.

A match made in Heaven.






Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kim jong il

North Korean Leader Kim jong il died.

He is no longer IL.

He is DEAD!

Best Quote:  I'm five foot three but nobody
F*****   with me!

Monday, December 19, 2011

SAAB out of business

Swedish automaker SAAB filed for bankruptcy today.

I dated a girl from Sweden

Everytime I rubbed her VOLVO...


She would SAAB..........................

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

TRUMP OUT

Donald Trump announced that he would not be holding the Presidential debate that only two candidates were going to show up.
Trump said, "I don't want to waist Newt's time and Rick Santorum's time and Donald Trump's time."

How about

WAISTING OUR TIME... DONNY BOY!
It never crossed his combed-over mind.....

Monday, December 12, 2011

MOVIES ARE DOWN

Movie viewership in theatres in the US is down for the second week in a row to levels of the day after the 9-11 attacks.  I have a really big friend who goes to movies alot because the popcorn machine is bigger than his house.  I think they even count him as TWO People.

Maybe people don't like sitting in a dark room next to people who are not FACEBOOK Freinds.

The last movie I saw was rated TWO THUMBS DOWN.
The review said, "Even two really big Viagaras could not make those THUMBS GO UP!"





Friday, December 09, 2011

COCA COLA FORMULA REVEALED!

THE TOP SECRET FORMULA FOR 
COCA COLA
HAS FINALLY BEEN REVEALED!

HERE IS THE FORMULA....



ARE YOU READY?????




THE SECRET FORMULA FOR COCA COLA IS
..................................




1 PART COCA




AND




1 PART COLA...






THAT'S IT........... GO MAKE YOUR OWN!

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Warhorse 4 Holidays

I heard about this play and movie called "Warhorse"!

I remember I had something like that when I was in the Army.
Oh, I'm sorry.....
Those were War Whores... Women who took money for sex when I was overseas blowing up their country.
One was called WHINNIE as I recall!

I rode some of them Horseback...If you know what I mean.


I drew the line when they pulled out THE WHIP!

It was like they thought I was OUT TO STUD!














Friday, November 25, 2011

Cooked Husband

A woman in Pakistan is accused of Killing and Cooking her husband.  I think he's dead. 

In her defense, It was Thanksgiving and she did think he was a "Real Turkey!" 

She said nobody had "Stuffed" anything or anybody.  Hannibal Lecter came to dinner and there were no leftovers. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Warhorse 4 Holidays

Hollywood is coming around to the people and animal experience.

Kind of the ultimate Youtube CAT VIDEO.

"Warhorse", about the relationships of animals, humans and wars and " I Bought a Zoo" about a family that buys a zoo tug at the heart really easily....

2 movies about animals and people being released on one Christmas day.

I mean we have had a talking mule, a talking pig, King Kong trying to connect with humans, wolfs wanting to be humans, a velvet horse, bats wanting to be humans, a doctor who talked to animals, a killer shark, happy feet, a whale named Moby, a Rin Tin Tin, some Mickey mice, a boobie named Scoobie, hundreds of dalmations, snakes on a plane (No xtra fee), a Mexican dog in Beverly Hills, a killer rat named Ben, a bunch of bears with Yogi, smartass chipmuncks, good old Lassie and a BFF chimp named Cheeta.........

But never TWO Animal/Human movies on one Christmas day!
Happy Holidays         Animal and People            Adopt a Pet

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Herman Cain Sex Scandal

One TV commentator referring to the Herman Cain Sexual Harrassment Scandal said,
"By speaking out on camera, Cain's fourth accuser, Sharon Bialek, put a face on this...." 

Ms. Bialek looked down at her lap and said, "Herman Cain, while speaking into my ear, put a hand on THIS!"


I

I just think Herman needs a night out at The Jersey Shore with SNOOKI
That should set him straight!

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Herman Cain Harrassment

Herman Cain said, "I lead the Republican Ticket because I am an OUTSIDER!"

He then stated, "I am up for sexual harrassment of that lady because I wanted to be INSIDE HER!"

Friday, October 28, 2011

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

BABY BOOMER GAME


MEMORY TEST!

(Have a paper and pencil handy to record your answers.. Your mind isn't

as sharp as it once was!)

This is NOT a pushover test. It's a Baby Boomer era test!
There are 20 questions. Average score is 12 .
This one will be difficult for the youngerset (DUDE!)
Have fun, but no peeking!
Good luck, youngsters ,


1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins

B. The Buttmaster

C. Spaghetti

D. Wonder Bread

E. Orange Juice

F. Milk

G. Cod Liver Oil





2 Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson.

B. Roy Orbison..

C. Gene Autry.

D. Rudolph Valentino.

E. Fabian.

F. Mickey Mantle.

G. Cassius Clay.





3. ! Pogo, th e comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and....

A. It's you.

B. He is us.

C. It's the Grinch.

D. He wasn't home.

E. He's really me and you.

F. We quit.

G. He surrendered.





4. Good night, David..

A.. Good night, Chet

B. Sleep well.

C. Good night, Irene.

D. Good night, Gracie.

E. See you later, alligator.

F. Until tomorrow.

G. Good night, Steve..





5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide

B. When you lose your crayons.

C. When you clean your tub.

D. If you paint the room blue.

E. If you buy a soft water tank.

F. When you use Lady Clairol.

G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.





6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...

A. Stuart Whitman.

B Randolph Scott.

C. Steve Reeves..

D. Maynard G. Krebs.

E. Corky B. Dork.

F.. Dave the Whale.

G. Zippy Zoo.





7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar.

B.. Your nose is growing.

C. Pants on fire.

D. Join the choir

E. Jump up higher.

F. On the wire.

G. I'm telling Mom.





8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle

for truth, justice and.....

A. Wheaties.

B. Lois Lane ..

C. TV ratings.

D. World peace.

E. Red tights

F. The American way.

G. News headlines.





9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A It's time for Yogi Bear.

B It's time to do your homework.

C. It's Howdy Doody Time.

D. It's time for Romper Room.

E. It's bedtime.

F... The Mighty Mouse Hour..

G. Scoopy Doo Time..





10. Lions and tigers and bears..! ...

A. Yikes.

B. Oh, no..

C. Gee whiz.

D. I'm scared...

E. Oh my.

F.. Help! Help!

G. Let's run.





11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone....

A. Over 40.

B. Wearing a uniform.

C.. Carrying a briefcase. D. Over 30. E. You don't know.

F. Who says, 'Trust me'..

G. Who eats tofu.





12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's

stockings...

A. Troy Aikman

B. Ken ny Stabler

C. Joe Namath

D. Roger Staubach

E. Joe Montana

F. Steve Young

G. John Elway





13. Brylcream....

A. Smear it on.

B. You'll smell great.

C. Tame that cowlick.

D. Grease ball heaven.

E. It's a dream.

F. We're your team.

G. A little dab'll do ya.





14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins.

B. With my man, Bill.

C. Down at the mill.

D. Over the windowsill.

E. With thyme and dill.

F. Too late to enjoy.

G. On Blueberry Hill.





15.. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable.

B. Mary Martin.

C. Doris Day.

D. Errol Flynn.

E. Sally Fields.

F. Jim Carrey.

G. Jay Leno.





16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo

B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe

C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo

D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo

E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo

F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel

G. John, Paul, George, Ringo





17. I wonder, wonder, who.

A. Who ate the leftovers?

B. Who did the laundry?

C. Was it you?

D. Who wrote the book of love?

E. Who I am?

F. Passed the test?

G. Knocked on the door?





18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli.

B. Cause I eats me spinach.

C. Cause I lift weights.

D. Cause I'm the hero.

E. And don't you for get it.

F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.

G. To outlast Bruto.





19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today.

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera

B. Smile, you're on Star Search.

C. Smile, you won the lottery.

D. Smile, we're watching you.

E. Smile, the world sees you.

F. Smile, you're a hit.

G. Smile, you're on TV.





20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy.!

B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket.

C. Make you fat.

D.. Melt your heart.

E... Make you popular.

F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

G. Come in colors.









Don't peek until you've finished the test.















Below are the right answers:



1. D - Wonder Bread

2. G - Cassius Clay

3. B - He Is us

4. A - Good night, Chet

5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. D - Maynard G. Krebs

7. C - Pants on fire

8. F - The American Way

9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time

10. E - Oh my

11. D - Over 30

12. C - Joe Namath

13. G - A little dab'll do ya

14. G - On Blueberry Hill

15. B - Mary Martin

16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. D - Who wrote the book of Love

18. B - Cause I eats me spinach

19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera

20.. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Gaddafi Dead

Moammar is dead!

Hey everybody, there's a job opening in Libya....

I heard you get women bodyguards with this job...

With my body, they won't have too much to guard......

As long as I don't have to wear those Army tent-sized robes he wore.

There are pictures where all the world leaders are in suits and there's Moammar wearing a table cloth!

Go Libyans!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Population Day

Today, the World Population hits the 7 Billion People mark.

7 Billion People on the Planet Earth!

I blame that OCTOMOM!

7 Billion people on the planet and The Republican Party can't find ONE to run for President!

7 Billion people on Earth!  That would mean there are enough women on Earth to marry about 15 Mormon guys!

By the way, here's a Republican Party Fact:

Chris Christie and Sarah Palin are not running for President.

If Michele Bachmann drops out of the race,

NEWT GINGRICH will have the biGGest bOObs!

Just a political observation..................

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Amanda Knox Tweet

Amanda Knox just Tweeted from Italian Prison!


B OUT SOON LOOKING 4 RITE COUPLE TO REALY PARTY   BRING OWN KNIFE UR VILLA OR MINE   FOXY

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

X FACTOR

X FACTOR!  The real X FACTOR is
WHAT'S IN PAULA ABDUL'S DRINK?!?!?!


J LO ABDUL