Vagina Chrysler

A surgeon in Maryland removed a donated kidney through a woman's VAGINA! Medical costs are so high they removed the woman's wallet through her ANUS! Ouch!

Chrysler Motor Cars is offering their employees $50,000 and a new car if the quit. I know what I would do...I would take the money, jump in the free car, grab some beer and drive to Las Vegas. I'd probably be walking home poor in three hours ... and I'd be out of work.....

DOGS ARE SMART, I THINK

A study showed that DOGS have a sense of FAIRNESS. That's why they lick each other's butts...It's Only Fair! I'll lick yours if you lick mine. Sounds fair to me!

Another study showed that DOGS can sniff out UNFAIR situations. And apparently ALL of those Situations are in other dogs BUTTS!

Bullet in Head

Thursday, January 01, 2009
Bullit in Head
In Riviera Beach, Florida a shooting victim went to work with a bullet in his head.
Hell, I feel like I have a bullet in my head every day where I work!

Actor Jeremy Pevin left the Broadway show SPEED THE PLOW because he said, "He had MERCURY POISONING!"
The producer did not believe him and said Jeremy was going to get a job as a THERMOMETER!

Wlidlife Experts said Santa's Reindeers were probably MALE because most FEMALE reindeer are prgnant at Christmas and "You don't hook up your pregnant females to a sled."
Now they tell me. I'll be right back. I have to go and unhook my wife from our sled!

HAPPY New year

pet treats

I was at a high-end pet boutique and saw these chew sticks that I thought were RAWHIDE. They said, "No! Dogs should never eat rawhide leather." And then explained that the chew sticks were really made from "BULL PENIS"...
I said, "BULL PENIS?" They said, "Yeah, dogs love them...

and keep them away from your WIFE!

STUCK IN WINDOW

I read this article about a woman who hit a guy with her SUV one night and he flew up and got stuck in her front windshield.
She drove home and parked in her garage and went to sleep.
3 days later he died and the cops found him in the garage still stuck in the windshield.
He bled to death.
This is why I don't hit people with my car anymore!
I don't hit anyone anymore who is walking on the street.
No Sir! I used to hit people but that was the problem, they would get stuck in the windshield or under the tire, you know, they get stuck in that WHEELWELL....
I Hate THAT!
You drive back to your garage and
THERE THEY ARE.....They DON'T LEAVE... THEY STICK AROUND
It's a HASSLE....
AND I DON'T LIKE TO BE HASSLED MAN....
May I Call You......
MAN?

BRANSON

I was talking to a person from the Chamber of Commerce for the entertainment resort town of BRANSON, Missouri and she said, "Branson was loosing business and people were not coming anymore."
I said, "When I come should I bring some money for GAMBLING..."
She said, "No, there is no GAMBLING or DRINKING in BRANSON. It's a dry town."
I said, "No Gambling or Drinking, No wonder there is no business. Why would anyone go there?"
She said, "Don't worry, We still have CRACK and PROSTITUTION."
I said, "I'll book my flight tonite!"

The City's MOTTO is, "What Happens in Branson....
GETS the HELL OUT OF BRANSON IMMEDIATELY!"

NATURAL GAS

I have a HALF BROTHER.......
He's only TWO FEET, NINE INCHES TALL

I want to move to France. You can get a face transplant there.
I want the BRAD PITT MODEL
If you get it in the next 30 DAYS
You get a FREE BABY from AFRICA

I saw a phone number for a Natural Gas Company
1-800-I GOT GAS
The local Prune Juice company's number is
1-800-I GOT POOP
Liquor company
1-800-I GOT DRUNK
Mick Jaggers Phone Number
1-800 I GOT VIAGRA

LADY ATTACKED IN CHURCH.....peeew

Hey, I saw the video of the lady attacked and groped while praying in church. Video Camera's everywhere.. It was after midnite, the woman was praying alone.... I think the guy believed she was PRAYING FOR A MAN. He felt she was lonely. Most people would be sitting at MATCH.COM on the computer. This lady was in front of GOD. Old School. Glad they caught the guy.
She stabbed him in the neck with a pen THREE times...In the name of The Father, The Son and The HOOOLy Ghost. Who is not really a GHOST... But that's a nother B log

CLOONEY

A woman paid $350,000 dollars for A KISS from George Clooney at an auction at The Cannes Film Festival! I would of KISSED HER for $340,000.... .Hell, I would of kissed her for 35 CENTS..... HELL, I would of Probably wound up giving her...Three Hundred and Fifty Thousand! I can spare $42 bucks.

HEROIN MOM

Hey...there was this story about a MOTHER caught doing HEROIN with her BABY. Do you know what the main thing the Heroin Adicted MOM was thinking? I hope the BABY Brought his own HEROIN!

TALENT

She told me I had TALENT up the WAZOOO!
I told her, I don't want anything UP MY WAZOOOOO!

LINDSEY ON THE GROUND

POOR Lyndsay Lohan .... She's my KIND A GIRL...
PASSED OUT!!!!!
It's so much easier that way...don't have to take her to a movie or
dinner at The Palm. Just PASSED OUT.
Go into the restaurant, "We don't need a table....
She'll just lay here on the floor."
Not much of a dancer when they're PASSED OUT...
Mainly slow dances but when you're done,
you don't have to find a chair!
She just lays on the floor. "Don't step on her!"
Dating is so much better that way...
AND no worry about A PARKING SPOT...
She just runs the car into a tree
and the VALET TOW TRUCK takes it away...
SOOOO COOOOOL...................
I LOVE HER

This is going to be fun, real fun.