Kim jong il

North Korean Leader Kim jong il died.

He is no longer IL.

He is DEAD!

Best Quote:  I'm five foot three but nobody
F*****   with me!

SAAB out of business

Swedish automaker SAAB filed for bankruptcy today.

I dated a girl from Sweden

Everytime I rubbed her VOLVO...


She would SAAB..........................

TRUMP OUT

Donald Trump announced that he would not be holding the Presidential debate that only two candidates were going to show up.
Trump said, "I don't want to waist Newt's time and Rick Santorum's time and Donald Trump's time."

How about

WAISTING OUR TIME... DONNY BOY!
It never crossed his combed-over mind.....

MOVIES ARE DOWN

Movie viewership in theatres in the US is down for the second week in a row to levels of the day after the 9-11 attacks.  I have a really big friend who goes to movies alot because the popcorn machine is bigger than his house.  I think they even count him as TWO People.

Maybe people don't like sitting in a dark room next to people who are not FACEBOOK Freinds.

The last movie I saw was rated TWO THUMBS DOWN.
The review said, "Even two really big Viagaras could not make those THUMBS GO UP!"

COCA COLA FORMULA REVEALED!

THE TOP SECRET FORMULA FOR 
COCA COLA
HAS FINALLY BEEN REVEALED!

HERE IS THE FORMULA....



ARE YOU READY?????




THE SECRET FORMULA FOR COCA COLA IS
..................................




1 PART COCA




AND




1 PART COLA...






THAT'S IT........... GO MAKE YOUR OWN!

Warhorse 4 Holidays

I heard about this play and movie called "Warhorse"!

I remember I had something like that when I was in the Army.

Oh, I'm sorry.....

Those were War Whores... Women who took money for sex when I was overseas blowing up their country.

One was called WHINNIE as I recall!

I rode some of them Horseback...If you know what I mean.

I drew the line when they pulled out THE WHIP!

It was like they thought I was OUT TO STUD!

Cooked Husband

A woman in Pakistan is accused of Killing and Cooking her husband.  I think he's dead. 

In her defense, It was Thanksgiving and she did think he was a "Real Turkey!" 

She said nobody had "Stuffed" anything or anybody.  Hannibal Lecter came to dinner and there were no leftovers. 

Warhorse 4 Holidays

Hollywood is coming around to the people and animal experience.

Kind of the ultimate Youtube CAT VIDEO.

"Warhorse", about the relationships of animals, humans and wars and " I Bought a Zoo" about a family that buys a zoo tug at the heart really easily....

2 movies about animals and people being released on one Christmas day.

I mean we have had a talking mule, a talking pig, King Kong trying to connect with humans, wolfs wanting to be humans, a velvet horse, bats wanting to be humans, a doctor who talked to animals, a killer shark, happy feet, a whale named Moby, a Rin Tin Tin, some Mickey mice, a boobie named Scoobie, hundreds of dalmations, snakes on a plane (No xtra fee), a Mexican dog in Beverly Hills, a killer rat named Ben, a bunch of bears with Yogi, smartass chipmuncks, good old Lassie and a BFF chimp named Cheeta.........

But never TWO Animal/Human movies on one Christmas day!
Happy Holidays         Animal and People            Adopt a Pet

Herman Cain Sex Scandal

One TV commentator referring to the Herman Cain Sexual Harrassment Scandal said,

"By speaking out on camera, Cain's fourth accuser, Sharon Bialek, put a face on this...." 

Ms. Bialek looked down at her lap and said, "Herman Cain, while speaking into my ear, put a hand on THIS!"

I

I just think Herman needs a night out at The Jersey Shore with SNOOKI

That should set him straight!

Herman Cain Harrassment

Herman Cain said, "I lead the Republican Ticket because I am an OUTSIDER!"

He then stated, "I am up for sexual harrassment of that lady because I wanted to be INSIDE HER!"

Scary FACES

BABY BOOMER GAME


MEMORY TEST!

(Have a paper and pencil handy to record your answers.. Your mind isn't

as sharp as it once was!)

This is NOT a pushover test. It's a Baby Boomer era test!
There are 20 questions. Average score is 12 .
This one will be difficult for the youngerset (DUDE!)
Have fun, but no peeking!
Good luck, youngsters ,


1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins

B. The Buttmaster

C. Spaghetti

D. Wonder Bread

E. Orange Juice

F. Milk

G. Cod Liver Oil





2 Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson.

B. Roy Orbison..

C. Gene Autry.

D. Rudolph Valentino.

E. Fabian.

F. Mickey Mantle.

G. Cassius Clay.





3. ! Pogo, th e comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and....

A. It's you.

B. He is us.

C. It's the Grinch.

D. He wasn't home.

E. He's really me and you.

F. We quit.

G. He surrendered.





4. Good night, David..

A.. Good night, Chet

B. Sleep well.

C. Good night, Irene.

D. Good night, Gracie.

E. See you later, alligator.

F. Until tomorrow.

G. Good night, Steve..





5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide

B. When you lose your crayons.

C. When you clean your tub.

D. If you paint the room blue.

E. If you buy a soft water tank.

F. When you use Lady Clairol.

G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.





6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...

A. Stuart Whitman.

B Randolph Scott.

C. Steve Reeves..

D. Maynard G. Krebs.

E. Corky B. Dork.

F.. Dave the Whale.

G. Zippy Zoo.





7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar.

B.. Your nose is growing.

C. Pants on fire.

D. Join the choir

E. Jump up higher.

F. On the wire.

G. I'm telling Mom.





8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle

for truth, justice and.....

A. Wheaties.

B. Lois Lane ..

C. TV ratings.

D. World peace.

E. Red tights

F. The American way.

G. News headlines.





9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A It's time for Yogi Bear.

B It's time to do your homework.

C. It's Howdy Doody Time.

D. It's time for Romper Room.

E. It's bedtime.

F... The Mighty Mouse Hour..

G. Scoopy Doo Time..





10. Lions and tigers and bears..! ...

A. Yikes.

B. Oh, no..

C. Gee whiz.

D. I'm scared...

E. Oh my.

F.. Help! Help!

G. Let's run.





11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone....

A. Over 40.

B. Wearing a uniform.

C.. Carrying a briefcase. D. Over 30. E. You don't know.

F. Who says, 'Trust me'..

G. Who eats tofu.





12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's

stockings...

A. Troy Aikman

B. Ken ny Stabler

C. Joe Namath

D. Roger Staubach

E. Joe Montana

F. Steve Young

G. John Elway





13. Brylcream....

A. Smear it on.

B. You'll smell great.

C. Tame that cowlick.

D. Grease ball heaven.

E. It's a dream.

F. We're your team.

G. A little dab'll do ya.





14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins.

B. With my man, Bill.

C. Down at the mill.

D. Over the windowsill.

E. With thyme and dill.

F. Too late to enjoy.

G. On Blueberry Hill.





15.. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable.

B. Mary Martin.

C. Doris Day.

D. Errol Flynn.

E. Sally Fields.

F. Jim Carrey.

G. Jay Leno.





16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo

B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe

C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo

D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo

E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo

F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel

G. John, Paul, George, Ringo





17. I wonder, wonder, who.

A. Who ate the leftovers?

B. Who did the laundry?

C. Was it you?

D. Who wrote the book of love?

E. Who I am?

F. Passed the test?

G. Knocked on the door?





18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli.

B. Cause I eats me spinach.

C. Cause I lift weights.

D. Cause I'm the hero.

E. And don't you for get it.

F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.

G. To outlast Bruto.





19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today.

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera

B. Smile, you're on Star Search.

C. Smile, you won the lottery.

D. Smile, we're watching you.

E. Smile, the world sees you.

F. Smile, you're a hit.

G. Smile, you're on TV.





20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy.!

B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket.

C. Make you fat.

D.. Melt your heart.

E... Make you popular.

F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

G. Come in colors.









Don't peek until you've finished the test.















Below are the right answers:



1. D - Wonder Bread

2. G - Cassius Clay

3. B - He Is us

4. A - Good night, Chet

5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. D - Maynard G. Krebs

7. C - Pants on fire

8. F - The American Way

9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time

10. E - Oh my

11. D - Over 30

12. C - Joe Namath

13. G - A little dab'll do ya

14. G - On Blueberry Hill

15. B - Mary Martin

16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. D - Who wrote the book of Love

18. B - Cause I eats me spinach

19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera

20.. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand

Gaddafi Dead

Moammar is dead!

Hey everybody, there's a job opening in Libya....

I heard you get women bodyguards with this job...

With my body, they won't have too much to guard......

As long as I don't have to wear those Army tent-sized robes he wore.

There are pictures where all the world leaders are in suits and there's Moammar wearing a table cloth!

Go Libyans!

Population Day

Today, the World Population hits the 7 Billion People mark.

7 Billion People on the Planet Earth!

I blame that OCTOMOM!

7 Billion people on the planet and The Republican Party can't find ONE to run for President!

7 Billion people on Earth!  That would mean there are enough women on Earth to marry about 15 Mormon guys!

By the way, here's a Republican Party Fact:

Chris Christie and Sarah Palin are not running for President.

If Michele Bachmann drops out of the race,

NEWT GINGRICH will have the biGGest bOObs!

Just a political observation..................

Amanda Knox Tweet

Amanda Knox just Tweeted from Italian Prison!


B OUT SOON LOOKING 4 RITE COUPLE TO REALY PARTY   BRING OWN KNIFE UR VILLA OR MINE   FOXY

X FACTOR

X FACTOR!  The real X FACTOR is
WHAT'S IN PAULA ABDUL'S DRINK?!?!?!

J LO ABDUL

WALL STREET HURRICANE

Hurricaine Irene became a Tropical Storm when it hit lower Manhattan.

Even Hurricaines get DOWNGRADED when they hit WALLSTREET!

Hurricaine Fire Island

So many people refused to leave FIRE ISLAND, NY for Hurricaine Irene.

The main reason was because the male residents heard that there was a MAN DATE on the Island!

And they heard people would be
HUNKERING DOWN
and all Island residents got excited thinking this
"HUNKERING THING"
could be done in a SPEEDO!

JUST KIDDING LADIES!

SWITCHED AT BIRTH

Two Mothers gave birth in Australia to boys at the same hospital nearly at the same time.

Due to a nurse's mistake, the boys were switched and each boy Breast Fed from the other boy's Mom
instead of their own.

A shocked official from the hospital was very relieved when the error was discovered saying, "This explains why such young infant boys both had an Erection!"

Simon Cowell COLD

Simon Cowell said when he dies he does not want to be buried or creamated.

That's great cause he's HALF WAY THERE ALREADY!

Hey Look "ROCKY" Cowell..........

U S DOWNGRADE

America was just DOWNGRADED Economy wise......

And a survey came out that said AMERICAN Tweeners

age 9-11 VALUE ...............................................

FAME as the #1 THING IN LIFE.........

30 Years ago FAME was listed as #16

as the most important thing in life

by American Kids age 9-11.

They say the FAME FACTOR is not a "worked for FAME"

i.e. Acting School.... Engineering....etc.

In San Diego American Kids got buried in 10 feet of sand while building a SAND CASTLE.

They had to be dug out and rescued.

While building a SAND CASTLE!

There was a fake GUN SCARE at VIRGINIA TECH

by a young person.

Very Funny .... Yuk Yuk.......................YUK

And to take it one step further overseas....

a fake bomb was strapped to a young Australian millionaire that turned out to be fake.....

YOUTH!!!!

Best of LUCK!!!!!

July 1 FUNNY NEWS

Friday July 1


A FERRY broke down in San Fransisco today causing commuter delays.
What's the problem.
That city couldn't find another FERRY in all of SAN FRANSISCO?

My cousin Elmer told me the place is full of FERRIES!



Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Ex-presdient of the IMF or the

I Might Feel You ....

I might Fondle you......
or I might F*** You Fund
(I'm not sure what it stands for)
looks like he might get off. {not in THAT SPECIAL way}
His accuser maid might be a drug dealer and is accused of lying before about molestation.

Strauss-Kahn said that the ordeal has not been all bad.

He really enjoyed wearing the ankle bracelet and hand cuffs

and he didn't even have to pay extra!

 

I have had it up to here with AnthonyWeiner.


What does a sexually disgraced politician in New York do when asked to leave.


Get a CABLE NEWS TALK SHOW!


Weiner will now hook up with Former New York Govenator

Elliot Spitzer for the WEINER/SPITZER News Hour....



It will be on the ALL NEWS PLAYBOY CHANNEL

and Weiner will probably be running the CAMERA phone.

Spitzer's Female Co-host, Kathleen Parker, quit after Elliot

kept trying to stick $50 Bills in her BRA after she told really good news stories.

And are we sure it was Weiner's DING DONG sticking outside of his jockey shorts or his nose?  Have you seen that thing?

You know what they say.....BIG NOSE......BIG KLEENEX BOX
 

A guy was stung by a SCORPIAN on an ALASKA Airlines flight yesterday.      Most shocking was...

 
When his arm swelled up they charged him $35 for the EXTRA BAG!

Gay Marraige NY/NJ

New Jersey Govenor Chris Christie says Marriage is a Union between and A Man and A Woman.

In HIS case a very FAT MAN and A Woman!
(Did he say UNION?)

The Govenor said, "If God wanted Gays to marry he would have created more DIVORCE LAWYERS!"

Mitt Romney defines Marriage as a union between one man and five women.  None of which are named Sarah Palin!

Anthony Weiner defined Marriage as a union between one cell phone camera and any woman not working for Hillary Clinton on Twitter!

And finally, The Catholic Church came out against Gay Marriage saying It could not afford to pay for all of those Honeymoons for all of those Priests!

End of World omission

Harold Camping, the 90 year old radio evangelist, who predicted the World Will End on May 21, 2011

had a Stroke.  The world did not end as we know. 

I think Mr. Camping fell asleep while reading the scripture about the World Ending and did not see the last two words in the sentence....

"IT WILL BE THE FINAL DAYS AND THE BAD SEED IN THE WORLD SHALL DISSAPPEAR AND RAPTURE AND DEATH WILL PREVAIL AND THE WORLD
SHALL END 0N MAY 21, 2011
FOR YOU!"

 Oh.... I see what the problem was...
GOD Tweeted it to him and there were more than 140 Characters!

Bummer Dude

Arnold Has It MAID

Arnold Schwartzenegger had sex with the maid

Dominique Strauss-Kahn from the IMF Fund forced sex on a maid in his $3000 a night Manhattan hotel room.

Egyptian banker Mahmoud Abdel Salam Omar assaulted a maid in a cheaper $900 dollar a night hotel room two weeks later.

Why do old rich guys who have beautiful wives need to have sex with the maid?

These guys just want to have sex with someone who can clean up after them.

Is that you Mom?  No, it's your MAID!

Maybe it's a Drool think...  Things keep dripping out of your mouth when you hit a certain age.
It's nice to have someone near who can whipe it up!

The hot new pick up-line is, "Would you like to come up to my room?
And clean it!!!"

It's not that these women give great HEAD, they give great VACUUM!

These guys don't ask, "Is she great in bed?"
They ask, "Is she great at making up the bed?"

And excuse me but does Arnold's maid look alot like
the OCTOMOM'S MOM

He's lucky she stopped at ONE

END OF WORLD 9-21

I have some important statements now that we know
the world is ending on Saturday May 21, 2011.

Should I hold off on getting my shoes with a hole fixed?

I'm going to save soo much on Dental work I needed to have done!

Should I hold off on returning a NETFLIX? 
Maybe something to watch in the "Here After Lounge".

What's worse.... Social Security runs out May 21, 2036
And
Medicare ends on May 21, 2047....

I don't want to miss that!


See you IN CHURCH on SUNDAY!

BIN LADEN DEAD

DID ANGRY BIRDS

ZAP

BIN LADEN

CHARLIE SHEEN HAD SOMTHING TO DO WITH IT

CONGRATS BARRACK

CONGRATS AMERICA

CHARLIE SHEEN THEME SONG

HAVE U HEARD IT?................. IT SHOULD BE HIS THEME

WORDS

Kelly won't kiss my friend, Cassandra
Jessica won't play ball
Mandy won't share her friend, Miranda
Doesn't anybody live at all?

Amanda won't leave me empty handed
Got her number from a bathroom stall

But I got a girl who can put on a show
The dollar decides how far you can go with her

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Cause that's porn star dancing

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs

Stacy's gonna save her self for marriage
But that's just not my style
She's got a pair that's nice to stare at
But I want girls gone wild

I want a naughty girl like you
Let's throw a party just for two
you know these normal girls won't do!

SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE HARPER    listen

http://youtu.be/VdaKwt5cHEk

MY DARKEST HOUR.....BAND

WITH LUDACRIS & CHAD KROEGER

GUITAR SOUNDS LIKE VAN HALEN........KINDA

HAVE U SEEN IT?................. IT SHOULD BE CHAS'S THEME

CHARLIE.......IT'S YOURS

WATCH IT IF U CAN CAN


ANOTHER
http://youtu.be/f8r2SG9keBg

Charlie Sheen Drug Test

I told Charlie Sheen he was going for a DRUG TEST......

His only question was,

"WHAT KINDS OF DRUGS ARE WE TESTING"?

He said Club and Date Rape Drugs are cool,

Stimulants were OK but Depressants depressed his      dates.....

Hallucinagens freaked him out and Narcotics were his favorites.

Charlie Sheen Winning Girls T-Shirt 2XL Size : XX-Large

Chris Brown BREAKING NEWS/CHAIRS

Breaking news on 21 year old Singer Chris Brown. 
He's Breaking News, Chairs, Windows and sometimes Noses.

Chris apologized for throwing a chair after an interview on ABC's Good Morning America.   He said He was sorry for throwing the chair through the window but RIHANNA just wasn't available!

Chris says his current love Michele E is THE LUCKIEST GIRL ALIVE!         Michele says She's lucky TO BE ALIVE!

If GARY COLEMAN was still alive, he could team up with Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen and make a TV show

TWO AND A HALF ABUSIVE MEN

It would be a HIT!  And I do mean a HIT! 

Someone would be HIT!

Lawrence Taylor Resume

EX-FOOTBALL PLAYER LAWRENCE TAYLOR HAS BEEN CALLED  LT, ALL-PRO, HALL OF FAMER, DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR, MOST VALUABLE PLAYER, COCCAINE ADDICT, SUPER BOWL CHAMP, INMATE, MILLIONAIRE, CRACK HEAD, COLOR COMMENTATOR, TAX EVADER, WRESTLER, ACTOR, GOLFER, REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER!

WHAT A RESUME!

WHAT'S NEXT?????

JUST DON'T ADD
 O J   IMPERSONATOR

TO THE LIST....................................

FUNNY NEWS: CHARLIE SHEEN HOLIDAY

FUNNY NEWS: CHARLIE SHEEN HOLIDAY

CHARLIE SHEEN HOLIDAY

Today is a big RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY FOR CHARLIE SHEEN!!!!!!


IT'S      ASS WEDNESDAY..................

Charlie Sheen SOLUTION

I Have Charlie Sheen's Answer.  Problem Solved.  Winning......DAH

After all of the videos

Charlie should tell them

he was just pulling

a

JOAQUIN PHOENIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were making a movie with your brother-in-law.  HA HA HA Funny Chuckle Laugh
Then say, "Never Mind" and show up at the Warner Brothers Lot with a Latte in your hand and one for Chuck Lorre.

IT'S ALL JUST A MOVIE CHARLIE
ALL JUST HOLLYWOOD

OR IS IT?????????????????

careful DUDE

BEST MEDICINE

Disease                                  Wine                            Daily dose

Allergies                               Médoc                           1 glass
Anemia                                Graves                            4 glass
Bronchitis      Bourgogne or Bordeaux+sugar&cinn.    3 cups
Constipation       Anjou blanc electricity . Vouvray      4 glass
Coronary arteries         Dry Champagne                     4 glass
Diarrhoea
Beaujolais Nouveau
4 glass
Fever
Champagne sec
1 bottle
Heart
Burgundy , Santenay Rouge
Two glass
Uric acid gout
Sancerre , Pouilly Fume
4 glass
Hypertension
Alsace , Sancerre
4 glass
Menopause
Saint Emilion
4 glass
Depression
Médoc
4 glass
Obesity
Burgundy
4 glass
Obesity
Rosé de Provence
1 bottle
Rheumatism
Champagne
4 glasses
Excessive weight loss
Côte de Beaune
4 GALLONS

GASOLINE PRICES RISING

I just paid OMG for regular yesterday to fill my tank - were past the lol

Gasoline Mtbe Btx

air baloon crash

Amazing photos show great detail.



The pilot at low level had no control over his

aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd
gathered for the air show and slams
into four buildings. One can only


imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings. 






I WAS IN ONE OF THEM !!!!!!!!!