Casey Anthony Legal

Casey Anthony's lawyer said that Casey would make a great Paralegal because she is intelligent and determined and she will kill your ass if you spilled your milk in the courtroom! 

Patraeus TELL ALL

The reasons why General David Patraeus said he Cheated with Paula Broadwell:

His WEE WEE went AWOL

She really knew how to DEPLOY his TROOP

She was like a TERRORIST in BED

They both went to BOOTIE CAMP

She always made his THINGY stand at ATTENTION

Her BOOBIES were TRAPS

She liked the SIZE of his UNIT

She thought he was a Great TAILGUNNER

He got excited when she would AIR STRIP

She liked it when he showed her his WEAPON

Although he was a GENERAL he would DO HER in PRIVATE

His DRONE was LONG but he did not like to Fort BRAGG

And Finally, Women in COMBAT !!!  That will make it really EXCITING !!!

Where do I sign up

And P.S. Tell Manti Te'o

"The Real Ones are TWICE as much TROUBLE!

Lance Armstrong FIRST!

Do you know when they first suspected Lance Armstrong of using STEROIDS?

When he won the Indianapolis 500!

Hansel and Gretel

Is it not STRANGE that the movie poster for
Hansel and Gretel is a Graffic of a children's book
covered with BULLET HOLES?

Sign of the times I guess and Hollywood has no clue.....................................  Motion Pictures

Bullets have the best MOTION.  It's called SPIN!

NFL Playoffs

Tim Tebow has a playoff victory for The Denver Broncos.

Peyton Manning does not!!

Is that ODD?

Young Oscar Noms

Hey
A lot of the OSCAR Nominees are very YOUNG.

MOST OSCAR PARTIES WILL BE AT

               CHUCK E CHEESE !!



 Indeed, this year sees the youngest-ever nominee for Best Actress in the form of Quvenzhané Wallis, 9, who was all of six years old when she filmed "Beasts of the Southern Wild." True, this year also sees the oldest-ever Best Actress nominee with Emmanuelle Riva, 85, for "Amour," but she's in something of a league of her own as compared to the other three nominees: Naomi Watts, 44; Jessica Chastain, 35; and Jennifer Lawrence, 22.

Notably missing from this list is Oscar veteran Meryl Streep, 63, who's nominated for a Golden Globe this year for her performance in "Hope Springs." Other female Golden Globe nominees this year include such industry seniors as Helen Mirren (for "Hitchcock"), Judi Dench (for "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel") and Maggie Smith (for "Quartet"), none of whom received Oscar nods.
Meanwhile, at 58, Denzel Washington is this year's oldest nominee for Best Actor, followed closely behind by 55-year-old Daniel Day-Lewis. The other nominees skewed younger with Hugh Jackman, 44; Joaquin Phoenix, 38; and Bradley Cooper, 38, whereas the Golden Globes skewed slightly older with noms for Richard Gere, 63, and Bill Murray, 62.
One notable exception to this phenomenon is in the Best Supporting Actor category, which completely mirrors its Golden Globes counterpart except for one major difference: Robert De Niro got an Oscar nom for his performance in "Silver Linings Playbook," whereas Leonardo DiCaprio got the Golden Globe. (This could be De Niro's revenge for Leo replacing him as director Martin Scorsese's unofficial muse, a sort of 20-years-later variation on the veteran actor terrorizing DiCaprio on screen in "This Boy's Life.")
Anyway, is the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences having some sort of existential crisis? Was bringing in "Ted" funnyman Seth MacFarlane as this year's host just the first step in conjuring a younger, hipper awards show? This could also be seen as something of a betrayal, as the members of the Academy -- notorious for being "elder statesmen" in their own right -- snub their peers. Whatever's truly going on behind the scenes (if anything), it's nice to see Oscar turning back the clock a bit this year.

Fiscal Cliff

Or is it FECAL Cliff?  Lawmakers negotiations sound like a bunch of CRAP to me.

Republicans say, "We can't STRESS enough the importance of having NO STRESS!"

Some Senators are not so smart and need
Fiscal Cliff NOTES......
Provided by a TEA PARTY.

Can't see the future or tax the rich.

Love Hurts

Richard Adams Dead: Gay Marriage Pioneer Dies At Age 65

He was Killed by HIS HUSBAND!

Just Kidding.  

What about that 80 year old tennis ref they thought killed her husband with a coffee mug... 

Talk about getting MUGGED.
Was it a BACKHAND or FOREHAND Judge?

No coffee for me...

Love Hurts......:}

Iceland - NEW NAME

I heard ICELAND is looking for a New Name.

HOW ABOUT




NOT-ICELAND!!!!!!!!!!!

Late 4 WORK

Guy shows up late for work.

Boss says, "You should have been here at 8:30!!!!

Guy says, "Why?  What happened at 8:30? 

Honey Boo Boo Trump

Names of Stars released for CELEBRITY APPRENTICE Season.

First thing Donald Trump yelled was,
"What NO HONEY BOO BOO?!?!?!"

Mitt Romney has all his women in a BINDER. 
His favorite song is Bruce Springstein's
"BINDED by the LIGHT"

But He says He will not keep HIS DOG in a BINDER.
And no Mr. Romney

Sandra Bullock was not in "The Bind Side". 
I don't know what she did with JESSE JAMES in private...


 

Texting for OLD PEOPLE

Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally us long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WTP - Where are the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

JESUS Married

New evidence came out that claims JESUS was married.  If JESUS got married, what would you get him for a Wedding Present?

What do you get for the Son of God and his new wife?

Some souls?  Planet Earth?  A couple of new robes?
How about a new Donkey with GPS?  Some water that He could turn into wine for the party?

He is a Carpenter....Maybe a gift card from The Rome Depot!

Another question
Did they meet on Christian Mingle dot Bible?

And if anyone thinks they want to RIOT after this blog, how about just putting a NASTY remark in the COMMENTS SECTION instead.  

Gwen Steffani Question????

Has She CHANGED CLOTHES since 1990?

Labor Day

Hey LABOR DAY
Why are we celebrating LABOR Day?
Why is LABOR Day a Holiday Anymore?

12% of Americans are UNION Workers

12%  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why don't we call it  BIG BOSSES DAY!!!!!

or

RICH GUYS RULE Day!!!!!!!!!!

or

Guy with MONEY Does Not PAY TAXES Day!!!!!

LABOR DAY??????  Get me my Horse and Buggy   WTF

Shooting Hugging Memory Olympics

The United States won the SHOOTING Gold Medal at the Olympics.  Is anyone SURPRISED!

The Event Venues were a School, Movie Theater and Temple.

The athletes at The Games hug each other often in Volleyball and Gymnastics and other sports.

Women hugging each other and Men hugging each another after every point sometimes.  I don't think these games are sponsored by chic fil a!

They talked about MUSCLE MEMORY for the athletes at the Olympics.

I'm lucky if my muscles remember when they USED TO exercise!

Booby Bloomberg

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to make it illegal to drink large drinks and sodas in New York City. 

Now he is requireing women to Breast Feed!

SO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Woman cannot Breastfeed her baby within the limits of New York City if she has Breasts Larger than 16 ounces each.

Olympic Opening

I was watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in London and it seems like Bob Costas thnnouncer mentions that all of these countries in the Parade of Nations were like either colonies or slave places or prison countries or Bathroom Rest Areas of England.

I'm glad it all worked out for all these countries and The World.  All pretty much independent and ready to play Kick-Ass Badmitten with each other.

All that Struggle, Death and War and we wind up playing Ping Pong for Bragging Rights. 

Hong Kong had a 99 Year Lease to Britain and never got their security deposit back.


Germany is down in medals and will return to tough East German training techniques.  "Tear Down That Wall Mr. Gorbachov" but smack them on their little Booty!

The country of Madagascar is best known for being the title of  Animated Movies with some kind of animals in them.


Some counties are so cool their only accomplishment is in Field Hockey.  Can you call it Hockey if there is no ice?


And forget about Iran's Nuclear Program to Blow Up Israel.  How are they going to do in Women's Field Hockey?


Sierra Leon had only Two entrants and I think one was carrying the others luggage and driving the Limo!


South Africa has a Man/Woman playing and a guy with metal legs.
Keep an EYE on South Africa!

Hey, there's a country called TOGO.  I'll have my food TO GO and with EXTRA MSG Please!  Hold the TURKEY

Christian Mingle THIS

Hey, What about that dating website
CHRISTIAN MINGLE dot com
They say, "FIND GOD'S MATCH FOR YOU"

Wait, doesn't GOD Trump the INTERNET?

Doesn't GOD have a bigger WEB than the INTERNET?

GOD doesn't even need a FACEBOOK Page!

Why do we need a Christian Website for Dating? 
Doesn't GOD just set up the whole deal?

Like did Joseph and Mary need a website?  I think they met on a DONKEY!

Find Christians near you!  Wait, Isn't that called A CHURCH!

WWW.God.Com

Bieber HOT

It is Soooooooooo HOT!

It is Hotter than Jerry Sandusky tickeling Justin Bieber in a shower after a Penn State Game...

Hot!

China sent the first lady into space.

Her father wanted a boy!

A guy got caught making Meth in the bathroom of a WALMART Store.

It was the only thing in the store made in AMERICA!

Heat Alert Use Mass Transit.

MASS Transit.....Is that how Catholics go back and forth to church?

Palin Mccain Today

Hey
If they did one thing in their career
Sarah Palin and John McCain
 got their KIDS JOBS on TELEVISION!

Lindsay Lohan Question

Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche into the back of a dump truck.

The big question is

What the Hell was that Truck doing there??????


Bad Truck Driver!

Lindsay can't think of everything now can she?!?!?

Why was that stupid Truck in front of her? 

She has been so good.  She hasen't been in trouble in like a Month!

I have the car for her...............................

Zombie Apocalypse Advice

A man in Miami happens upon a homeless man on the sidewalk and chews off 75% of his face in an 18-minute attack. The attacker's mother later says her son is not a zombie as portrayed in the media.

Authorities in Canada have launched a massive manhunt for a suspect after a severed hand was sent to Canada's Liberal Party, a foot to the Conservatives and a torso was stuffed in a suitcase and tossed in the trash of the Montreal apartment building where he lived.

A Maryland man admits to killing his housemate, cutting him up, then eating his heart and part of his brain.

A New Jersey man rips his torso open and throws bits of his intestines at police, according to the Bergen Record.


Here's some advice...................

Don't sleep near any SALT and PEPPER shakers.

Elvis Presley did not sing "LOVE ME TENDER-IZED"

If someone asks you out to DINNER make sure YOU are not on the MENU.

Remember Victor is your COUSIN not your CUISINE.

Just because SHE's A CRAB does not mean that you EAT HER.

Don't pick your nose.  And don't pick anyone else's nose or BRAINS or INTESTINES.

Have the Chicken Fingers not the HUMAN FINGERS.

If the waiter brings you ribs.  Make sure they were not surgically removed from THE BUSBOY.
And finally, leave the restaurant immediaetly if Jeffrey Dalmer and Hannibal Lector are dining next to you.

One last question......Does it count if I BITE MY NAILS?

Trump and the Tan Lady

                                 Is Donald Trump starting to look like a RACCOON with those tan lines?
                  We should check his BIRTH CERTIFICATE to make sure he is not related to this lady!

Gaga Sign CEO

Someone threatened to tenderize her meat dress
and that country has a very strict FACE CODE!

I think this sign company might need a few more workers in the creative department!

I want to work at a company where the CEO doesn't really wear a real shirt!

Outlaw Forces

Here's a few things I saw in the news

These are the famous Outlaws Bonnie and Bonnie

Just in time too.  She was about to eat THE KITCHEN!

This guy has a VERY FORCEFUL DENTIST!

Pregnant Man Food Network

Just a Few Items in the News Today

HE GOT TO KEEP HIS UTERUS!

SHE IS NOT A NATURAL BLONDE
AND HER SKIN HAS A MANLY SHINE!
What's the MAJOR Announcement?
 Swallowed a bottle of ZANAX?

Robin Gibb

Hey everybody

Robin Gibb is not STAYIN ALIVE

Sorry  I STARTED TO JOKE

Donna Summers and Robin Gibb, two Disco Icons dead within three days of each other.

LAST DANCE

Thanks for the great tunes YOU TWO !

Drunk Doctor

I got a bad ear infection. 
I asked the Drunken Doctor why and he said,
"You got infected mainly because you're full of shit!"

I told the Drunk Doctor that I thought I was growing Whiskers.
He asked if I had ice for the Whiskey.

I told him I had a CRAMP and PAIN and the Drunk Doctor said,
"That Champaigne better be chilled!"

And guy came in and said he was SHOT!
The Drunk Doctor said, "Make that a DOUBLE SHOT for me baby!"

A woman came in with a bad cut and the Drunk Doctor told me,
"It's just BLOODY MARY. And I don't make much of a CELERY!"

Then a guy came in and said he stepped on something sharp
The Drunk Doctor knew immediately He had a RUSTY NAIL.

Someone was pounding in the office next to the Drunk Doctor and he said it was HARVEY WALLBANGER.

By the way, the nurse in the Drunk Doctor's office is named MARGARITA!

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco De Mayo!
Is this the celebration of Mexican Independence or
is this the day when Drug Cartels kill Five People in every town?
mybad

Tanning Booth Lady

That tanning booth woman accused of taking her 6 year old daughter into the tanning booth is from Nutley, New Jersey.  The team mascot for their high school is the Nutley NUTS!

I think she qualifies as the NEW MASCOT!

Mitt ROMNEY's Dog

Hey. Don't get Mitt Romney MAD at you.

He won't
THROW YOU UNDER THE BUS

He will
PUT YOU ON TOP OF THE CAR!