Pregnant Man Food Network

Just a Few Items in the News Today

HE GOT TO KEEP HIS UTERUS!

SHE IS NOT A NATURAL BLONDE
AND HER SKIN HAS A MANLY SHINE!
What's the MAJOR Announcement?
 Swallowed a bottle of ZANAX?

Robin Gibb

Hey everybody

Robin Gibb is not STAYIN ALIVE

Sorry  I STARTED TO JOKE

Donna Summers and Robin Gibb, two Disco Icons dead within three days of each other.

LAST DANCE

Thanks for the great tunes YOU TWO !

Drunk Doctor

I got a bad ear infection. 
I asked the Drunken Doctor why and he said,
"You got infected mainly because you're full of shit!"

I told the Drunk Doctor that I thought I was growing Whiskers.
He asked if I had ice for the Whiskey.

I told him I had a CRAMP and PAIN and the Drunk Doctor said,
"That Champaigne better be chilled!"

And guy came in and said he was SHOT!
The Drunk Doctor said, "Make that a DOUBLE SHOT for me baby!"

A woman came in with a bad cut and the Drunk Doctor told me,
"It's just BLOODY MARY. And I don't make much of a CELERY!"

Then a guy came in and said he stepped on something sharp
The Drunk Doctor knew immediately He had a RUSTY NAIL.

Someone was pounding in the office next to the Drunk Doctor and he said it was HARVEY WALLBANGER.

By the way, the nurse in the Drunk Doctor's office is named MARGARITA!

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco De Mayo!
Is this the celebration of Mexican Independence or
is this the day when Drug Cartels kill Five People in every town?
mybad

Tanning Booth Lady

That tanning booth woman accused of taking her 6 year old daughter into the tanning booth is from Nutley, New Jersey.  The team mascot for their high school is the Nutley NUTS!

I think she qualifies as the NEW MASCOT!

Mitt ROMNEY's Dog

Hey. Don't get Mitt Romney MAD at you.

He won't
THROW YOU UNDER THE BUS

He will
PUT YOU ON TOP OF THE CAR!

Play station 2 Die 4

....An angry four-year-old Saudi boy shot and killed his father for refusing to buy him a PlayStation, Saudi media reported on Monday.

The Asharq daily, citing police in the southern Jizan area, said the child, aged four years and seven months, grabbed his father's pistol and shot him in the head.

According to the newspaper, the child had asked his father to buy him a PlayStation and the shooting took place after the man returned home without the desired object.

As he was undressing, the man put the weapon down, which the child then grabbed and fired at him from close range.


Don't let that kid have any ANGRY BIRDS!



..

Hog Shot

A Florida hunter accidentally shot his girlfriend thinking that she was his target -- a wild hog.

Cops said that Brandon man Steven Egan, 52, was hunting from a tent in Flagler County on Saturday when Egan heard a noise that he thought was similar to that of his prey. He took a shot at it, not realizing his significant other wasn't in the tent with him.
The shot sent a .30-caliber rifle bullet through both of 52-year-old Lisa Simmons' legs. Simmons was airlifted to the hospital where she was recovering from surgery on Sunday.
Egan maintained that he fired in the first place because he had seen a real hog just minutes before the accidental shooting, WFTV reported. No charges were filed.

Egan didn't know whether he felt bad that he shot his girlfriend or felt worse because he thought she was a HOG!

At first he claimed he thought he was being attacked by Rosie O'Donnell!

secret service prostitutes

These Secret Service agents involved in the Columbian Sex Scandal should be working on all of our foriegn debt. Do some business in a foriegn land and then say, "What, I owe you money? No! I was drunk!" We could reduce the money we owe other countries in no time. We could really speed it up if we hire that Dominic Strauss Kahn guy! Check this video http://youtu.be/-KerN8zzcTA

Bin Laden Replacement

This guy kinda looks like Bin Laden.  Like a younng Osama!
Good Replacement

Just put some Glasses on him


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

..BRIDGEPORT, Conn. - Police say a five-year-old Connecticut boy brought 50 packets of heroin to school for show and tell, and his stepfather has been arrested.

The father was arrested because that school was really HIP and wanted 60 Bags of HEROIN for Show and Tell.  It was more like a Show and Fall Asleep in your chair class.

Bridgeport police tell the Connecticut Post that 35-year-old Santos Roman went to the Barnum School on Monday to retrieve the drugs and found police waiting for him.

Final Point, NEVER GO TO SCHOOL TO RETRIEVE BAGS OF HEROIN.
  Go for a lunch bag, a school bag but not a HEROIN Bag!

US open Bubba

Is it not appropriate that a guy named Bubba won the US Open Golf tournament at a golf club where they won't accept women.

Camptown Ladies sing dis song Doodah!  Doodah!

Poop Transplant

When death was knocking on the door of a Canadian man, he took drastic measures to save his own life -- with a self-injected fecal transplant.
The poop-injecting patient is a 66-year-old man from Albert Bridge, Nova Scotia, who suffered from a bacterial infection known as Clostridium difficile, or C. difficile, since undergoing routine surgery 18 months ago.

I wanted to do a Fecal Transplant but my Wife told me I was already FULL OF CRAP!

=================
It was an extreme case of sexual frustration.

Inez Nunez, 18, was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly punching her boyfriend in the face because he wouldn't have sex with her.

Ms. Nunez told Police, "The strange thing was most of my boyfriends liked to get punched in the face while having sex with me!"

Tebow Out

Peyton Manning is in Denver talking with John Elway about Peyton replacing Tim Tebow as the number one quarterback in Denver.

I think Tim better get down on BOTH knees.  I think his call to God just got DROPPED.

Same Sex Fighting

They a fighting over same-sex mariage in Maine.
Hey, let them get married first, then they can fight all they want!

There was a shooting in an Oklahoma Courthouse today.
You litterally ask yourself, "Wae this the shooting from the day before?"
Or  "Which school are they locking down now?  Is that the same one as two days ago?"  This all has to slow down!

Gingrich Wife Simpsons

Does Newt Gingrich's wife

 resemble Mr. Burns of The Simpson's?

Just A Little?

Bullying

Dharun Ravi, the kid who web cam'ed Tyler Clementi who killed himself because the he was web cam'ed having gay sex at Rutgers University will probably go to prison and wind up having gay sex like he was going to laugh at Tyler having in his room.
Wow    Anal Karma   What goes around comes around and gets you right up the rear end!
And some big gang members will be laughing at him

Super Tuesday Putin

Russia Elections: Putin Wins, Critics Plan Protests
Putin plans swim across river with no shirt on!
Is that guy on steroids?  Or did he just hit his head somewhere?

Rick Santorum Defends Birth Control Position
You can control births by some Sex Position!


China Lead Pollution Reportedly Poisons Over 100 Children
They said those kids were "Lead Pollution Testers"

Romney's Washington Win Tightens Screws On Santorum
I thought Rick Santorum did not like anything dealing with Two Guys Screwing!

Catholic Cardinal Calls For 'Freedom Of Religion Battle'
98% of Catholic Woman say, "Whatever!"

America’s Most Fuel Efficient Cars
Are Parked!

Investigation: Saints Ran Bounty Program Rewarding Hits
The Saints Don't sound like Saints!

Kathryn Bigelow's Bin Laden Movie Running Into Trouble
What? Bin Laden didn't show up!

Craigslist Used To Find Dogs For Sex
And the yucky thing is that they were not just talking about unattractive people!

Drunk Zamboni Driver Busted For DUI
They suspected something when he tried to turn the entire ice rink into a giant Margarita!

CVS Accidentally Gives Kids Breast Cancer Medication Instead Of Fluoride Pills
The boys now have Large Breasts and plenty of cavities!

snooki prego

I didn't know they bred in captivity.
New Show
Baby Shore!

Crimefighter Miami

Miami valedictorian could be deported
He is just too smart for the Miami area!

Puppy wandering streets becomes top K-9 crime fighter
It worked out really well since they cut the police force by 50%. 
There's just A Dog walking around with a hat!

Community Infuriated by Serial Killer Tour
If you are a hooker in Long Island, try to take a long vacation!

Resolution Urges 'Personhood' Rights For Sperm'
How would you like to bring that up on the first date
Maybe Christian Mingle dot com
Where they Mingle Until HE Tingles

Mechanic Can Give Thumbs Up With His Toe
I don't know if that is actually considered a "Thumbs Up"
The good news
He can "Hitch-Hike" when wearing sandals!

Robots Can Apply For Driver's Licenses In Nevada
I had a Robot drive me once.
It was really my wife
Hung Over and at the wrong Time of the Month!!







.

Rush Bomb

So Rush Limbaugh had a bomb threat.
He called a woman bad names and is trouble.
Things are going The President's way.
The Republican Senator from Maine is giving up her seat.
Birth Control issues resolving.
The Stock Market is higher than 2008.
Unemployment is dropping.
Home prices are rising.
Detroit bailed out.
Osama dead.
Kadafi no more.
Republicans confused.  Chasing tail in a circle.
North Korea just gave up Nuke Threat.

Dead Monkee

Davy Jones of The Monkees died.  Hey, Hey a Dead Monkee.  People thought he Monkeed around.  He was too busy playin...  Too put anybody down

And it came out that Tiger Woods wanted to be a Navy Seal if not a Pro Golfer.
Problem was The Navy Seals didn't have enough LADIES in it.

The Leader of The Texas 7 Prison-Break Gang was put to death today.
Oh, by the way, they go by the name of The Texas 6 That Didn't-Really-Break-out-of-prison Gang now.

And what's with this Danica Patrick?  Has she ever won a race?  Is she just one big walking Go Daddy dot com advertisment?  She crashed in the second lap this time.  This morning she crashed leaving her garage.  We might have to check her license!

Rick Santorum Conservative

Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't GO DOWN in an ELEVATOR

Rick Santorum is so conservative he let a UPS Guy hand him HIS PACKAGE

Celebrities Distorted

Whitney Houston

Poor Whitney

Hope that Conrad Murray wasn't around her!

Life Expectancy

This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy. It's pretty cool.



It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life.

It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.

Yet, they believe they can predict how long you're likely to live.



http://media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan

Mitt, Newt and Steven Tyler

I think Mitt Romney should be running for the President of Switzerland!

Mitt Great-Grandfather, Miles Parker Romney, had too many wives and moved them to Mexico.

Mitt Romney has too many dollars and moved them to Switzerlan and The Caymen Islands!

And Newt Gingrich was a lobbyist with ethics violations who cheated on his wives.

And don't mess with his wife Callista.....

She will cut you man.... with her hair!

Hey, don't worry Republicans,

I heard that Steven Tyler will be ready to jump into the race right after he's fitted for his Wonder Bra.

Dude looks like a lady!

AND WORKERS

At work you can hold up this picture and yell out loud,

"Steven Tyler has bigger boobs than......" (stop and pause)

One girl, some girl will definitly yell out, "Me!"  

Girls know.  They just know.

John Edward's Girlfriends Box

Ex Presidential candidate John Edwards who had an affair and a love-child with another woman while his wife was dying of cancer, has major heart problems.
Doctors are having a hard time FINDING one in him!

They say his illness is LIFE Threatening.  How about when ELIZABETH found out about the other woman?
Now that probably got near LIFE Threatening.  She probably slapped him so hard!

Also
A man in England was so bored with his fiance that he put her in a computer box and tried to
bury her alive.
He proved the old Proverb: 
Girls!
Can't live with them.....
and Can't keep them buried alive in a computer box!

Tim Tebow & Katy Perry

Katy Perry may start dating Tim Tebow according to Evangelical TMZ.

He is a Christian.  She was a big Christian singing star.  Her parents are Ministers.

I heard GOD made the fix on that whole Russel and Katy marraige thingy.


Russel was Hot and Cold and Drunk and Stoned and addicted to sex like an E.T. (Eternal Teenager)

And I also heard that when Tim Tebow Kissed A Girl it was his Mother!

Katy had a Teenage Dream that Tim would fall for a California Gurl.


He's a  Firework.


And Maybe one day she'll be Waking Up In Vegas with a BRONCO.

A match made in Heaven.

Kim jong il

North Korean Leader Kim jong il died.

He is no longer IL.

He is DEAD!

Best Quote:  I'm five foot three but nobody
F*****   with me!

SAAB out of business

Swedish automaker SAAB filed for bankruptcy today.

I dated a girl from Sweden

Everytime I rubbed her VOLVO...


She would SAAB..........................

TRUMP OUT

Donald Trump announced that he would not be holding the Presidential debate that only two candidates were going to show up.
Trump said, "I don't want to waist Newt's time and Rick Santorum's time and Donald Trump's time."

How about

WAISTING OUR TIME... DONNY BOY!
It never crossed his combed-over mind.....

MOVIES ARE DOWN

Movie viewership in theatres in the US is down for the second week in a row to levels of the day after the 9-11 attacks.  I have a really big friend who goes to movies alot because the popcorn machine is bigger than his house.  I think they even count him as TWO People.

Maybe people don't like sitting in a dark room next to people who are not FACEBOOK Freinds.

The last movie I saw was rated TWO THUMBS DOWN.
The review said, "Even two really big Viagaras could not make those THUMBS GO UP!"

COCA COLA FORMULA REVEALED!

THE TOP SECRET FORMULA FOR 
COCA COLA
HAS FINALLY BEEN REVEALED!

HERE IS THE FORMULA....



ARE YOU READY?????




THE SECRET FORMULA FOR COCA COLA IS
..................................




1 PART COCA




AND




1 PART COLA...






THAT'S IT........... GO MAKE YOUR OWN!

Warhorse 4 Holidays

I heard about this play and movie called "Warhorse"!

I remember I had something like that when I was in the Army.

Oh, I'm sorry.....

Those were War Whores... Women who took money for sex when I was overseas blowing up their country.

One was called WHINNIE as I recall!

I rode some of them Horseback...If you know what I mean.

I drew the line when they pulled out THE WHIP!

It was like they thought I was OUT TO STUD!

Cooked Husband

A woman in Pakistan is accused of Killing and Cooking her husband.  I think he's dead. 

In her defense, It was Thanksgiving and she did think he was a "Real Turkey!" 

She said nobody had "Stuffed" anything or anybody.  Hannibal Lecter came to dinner and there were no leftovers. 

Warhorse 4 Holidays

Hollywood is coming around to the people and animal experience.

Kind of the ultimate Youtube CAT VIDEO.

"Warhorse", about the relationships of animals, humans and wars and " I Bought a Zoo" about a family that buys a zoo tug at the heart really easily....

2 movies about animals and people being released on one Christmas day.

I mean we have had a talking mule, a talking pig, King Kong trying to connect with humans, wolfs wanting to be humans, a velvet horse, bats wanting to be humans, a doctor who talked to animals, a killer shark, happy feet, a whale named Moby, a Rin Tin Tin, some Mickey mice, a boobie named Scoobie, hundreds of dalmations, snakes on a plane (No xtra fee), a Mexican dog in Beverly Hills, a killer rat named Ben, a bunch of bears with Yogi, smartass chipmuncks, good old Lassie and a BFF chimp named Cheeta.........

But never TWO Animal/Human movies on one Christmas day!
Happy Holidays         Animal and People            Adopt a Pet

Herman Cain Sex Scandal

One TV commentator referring to the Herman Cain Sexual Harrassment Scandal said,

"By speaking out on camera, Cain's fourth accuser, Sharon Bialek, put a face on this...." 

Ms. Bialek looked down at her lap and said, "Herman Cain, while speaking into my ear, put a hand on THIS!"

I

I just think Herman needs a night out at The Jersey Shore with SNOOKI

That should set him straight!

Herman Cain Harrassment

Herman Cain said, "I lead the Republican Ticket because I am an OUTSIDER!"

He then stated, "I am up for sexual harrassment of that lady because I wanted to be INSIDE HER!"

Scary FACES

BABY BOOMER GAME


MEMORY TEST!

(Have a paper and pencil handy to record your answers.. Your mind isn't

as sharp as it once was!)

This is NOT a pushover test. It's a Baby Boomer era test!
There are 20 questions. Average score is 12 .
This one will be difficult for the youngerset (DUDE!)
Have fun, but no peeking!
Good luck, youngsters ,


1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins

B. The Buttmaster

C. Spaghetti

D. Wonder Bread

E. Orange Juice

F. Milk

G. Cod Liver Oil





2 Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson.

B. Roy Orbison..

C. Gene Autry.

D. Rudolph Valentino.

E. Fabian.

F. Mickey Mantle.

G. Cassius Clay.





3. ! Pogo, th e comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and....

A. It's you.

B. He is us.

C. It's the Grinch.

D. He wasn't home.

E. He's really me and you.

F. We quit.

G. He surrendered.





4. Good night, David..

A.. Good night, Chet

B. Sleep well.

C. Good night, Irene.

D. Good night, Gracie.

E. See you later, alligator.

F. Until tomorrow.

G. Good night, Steve..





5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide

B. When you lose your crayons.

C. When you clean your tub.

D. If you paint the room blue.

E. If you buy a soft water tank.

F. When you use Lady Clairol.

G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.





6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...

A. Stuart Whitman.

B Randolph Scott.

C. Steve Reeves..

D. Maynard G. Krebs.

E. Corky B. Dork.

F.. Dave the Whale.

G. Zippy Zoo.





7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar.

B.. Your nose is growing.

C. Pants on fire.

D. Join the choir

E. Jump up higher.

F. On the wire.

G. I'm telling Mom.





8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle

for truth, justice and.....

A. Wheaties.

B. Lois Lane ..

C. TV ratings.

D. World peace.

E. Red tights

F. The American way.

G. News headlines.





9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A It's time for Yogi Bear.

B It's time to do your homework.

C. It's Howdy Doody Time.

D. It's time for Romper Room.

E. It's bedtime.

F... The Mighty Mouse Hour..

G. Scoopy Doo Time..





10. Lions and tigers and bears..! ...

A. Yikes.

B. Oh, no..

C. Gee whiz.

D. I'm scared...

E. Oh my.

F.. Help! Help!

G. Let's run.





11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone....

A. Over 40.

B. Wearing a uniform.

C.. Carrying a briefcase. D. Over 30. E. You don't know.

F. Who says, 'Trust me'..

G. Who eats tofu.





12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's

stockings...

A. Troy Aikman

B. Ken ny Stabler

C. Joe Namath

D. Roger Staubach

E. Joe Montana

F. Steve Young

G. John Elway





13. Brylcream....

A. Smear it on.

B. You'll smell great.

C. Tame that cowlick.

D. Grease ball heaven.

E. It's a dream.

F. We're your team.

G. A little dab'll do ya.





14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins.

B. With my man, Bill.

C. Down at the mill.

D. Over the windowsill.

E. With thyme and dill.

F. Too late to enjoy.

G. On Blueberry Hill.





15.. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable.

B. Mary Martin.

C. Doris Day.

D. Errol Flynn.

E. Sally Fields.

F. Jim Carrey.

G. Jay Leno.





16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo

B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe

C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo

D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo

E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo

F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel

G. John, Paul, George, Ringo





17. I wonder, wonder, who.

A. Who ate the leftovers?

B. Who did the laundry?

C. Was it you?

D. Who wrote the book of love?

E. Who I am?

F. Passed the test?

G. Knocked on the door?





18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli.

B. Cause I eats me spinach.

C. Cause I lift weights.

D. Cause I'm the hero.

E. And don't you for get it.

F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.

G. To outlast Bruto.





19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today.

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera

B. Smile, you're on Star Search.

C. Smile, you won the lottery.

D. Smile, we're watching you.

E. Smile, the world sees you.

F. Smile, you're a hit.

G. Smile, you're on TV.





20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy.!

B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket.

C. Make you fat.

D.. Melt your heart.

E... Make you popular.

F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

G. Come in colors.









Don't peek until you've finished the test.















Below are the right answers:



1. D - Wonder Bread

2. G - Cassius Clay

3. B - He Is us

4. A - Good night, Chet

5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. D - Maynard G. Krebs

7. C - Pants on fire

8. F - The American Way

9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time

10. E - Oh my

11. D - Over 30

12. C - Joe Namath

13. G - A little dab'll do ya

14. G - On Blueberry Hill

15. B - Mary Martin

16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. D - Who wrote the book of Love

18. B - Cause I eats me spinach

19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera

20.. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand

Gaddafi Dead

Moammar is dead!

Hey everybody, there's a job opening in Libya....

I heard you get women bodyguards with this job...

With my body, they won't have too much to guard......

As long as I don't have to wear those Army tent-sized robes he wore.

There are pictures where all the world leaders are in suits and there's Moammar wearing a table cloth!

Go Libyans!

Population Day

Today, the World Population hits the 7 Billion People mark.

7 Billion People on the Planet Earth!

I blame that OCTOMOM!

7 Billion people on the planet and The Republican Party can't find ONE to run for President!

7 Billion people on Earth!  That would mean there are enough women on Earth to marry about 15 Mormon guys!

By the way, here's a Republican Party Fact:

Chris Christie and Sarah Palin are not running for President.

If Michele Bachmann drops out of the race,

NEWT GINGRICH will have the biGGest bOObs!

Just a political observation..................

Amanda Knox Tweet

Amanda Knox just Tweeted from Italian Prison!


B OUT SOON LOOKING 4 RITE COUPLE TO REALY PARTY   BRING OWN KNIFE UR VILLA OR MINE   FOXY

X FACTOR

X FACTOR!  The real X FACTOR is
WHAT'S IN PAULA ABDUL'S DRINK?!?!?!

J LO ABDUL

WALL STREET HURRICANE

Hurricaine Irene became a Tropical Storm when it hit lower Manhattan.

Even Hurricaines get DOWNGRADED when they hit WALLSTREET!

Hurricaine Fire Island

So many people refused to leave FIRE ISLAND, NY for Hurricaine Irene.

The main reason was because the male residents heard that there was a MAN DATE on the Island!

And they heard people would be
HUNKERING DOWN
and all Island residents got excited thinking this
"HUNKERING THING"
could be done in a SPEEDO!

JUST KIDDING LADIES!

SWITCHED AT BIRTH

Two Mothers gave birth in Australia to boys at the same hospital nearly at the same time.

Due to a nurse's mistake, the boys were switched and each boy Breast Fed from the other boy's Mom
instead of their own.

A shocked official from the hospital was very relieved when the error was discovered saying, "This explains why such young infant boys both had an Erection!"

Simon Cowell COLD

Simon Cowell said when he dies he does not want to be buried or creamated.

That's great cause he's HALF WAY THERE ALREADY!

Hey Look "ROCKY" Cowell..........

U S DOWNGRADE

America was just DOWNGRADED Economy wise......

And a survey came out that said AMERICAN Tweeners

age 9-11 VALUE ...............................................

FAME as the #1 THING IN LIFE.........

30 Years ago FAME was listed as #16

as the most important thing in life

by American Kids age 9-11.

They say the FAME FACTOR is not a "worked for FAME"

i.e. Acting School.... Engineering....etc.

In San Diego American Kids got buried in 10 feet of sand while building a SAND CASTLE.

They had to be dug out and rescued.

While building a SAND CASTLE!

There was a fake GUN SCARE at VIRGINIA TECH

by a young person.

Very Funny .... Yuk Yuk.......................YUK

And to take it one step further overseas....

a fake bomb was strapped to a young Australian millionaire that turned out to be fake.....

YOUTH!!!!

Best of LUCK!!!!!

July 1 FUNNY NEWS

Friday July 1


A FERRY broke down in San Fransisco today causing commuter delays.
What's the problem.
That city couldn't find another FERRY in all of SAN FRANSISCO?

My cousin Elmer told me the place is full of FERRIES!



Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Ex-presdient of the IMF or the

I Might Feel You ....

I might Fondle you......
or I might F*** You Fund
(I'm not sure what it stands for)
looks like he might get off. {not in THAT SPECIAL way}
His accuser maid might be a drug dealer and is accused of lying before about molestation.

Strauss-Kahn said that the ordeal has not been all bad.

He really enjoyed wearing the ankle bracelet and hand cuffs

and he didn't even have to pay extra!

 

I have had it up to here with AnthonyWeiner.


What does a sexually disgraced politician in New York do when asked to leave.


Get a CABLE NEWS TALK SHOW!


Weiner will now hook up with Former New York Govenator

Elliot Spitzer for the WEINER/SPITZER News Hour....



It will be on the ALL NEWS PLAYBOY CHANNEL

and Weiner will probably be running the CAMERA phone.

Spitzer's Female Co-host, Kathleen Parker, quit after Elliot

kept trying to stick $50 Bills in her BRA after she told really good news stories.

And are we sure it was Weiner's DING DONG sticking outside of his jockey shorts or his nose?  Have you seen that thing?

You know what they say.....BIG NOSE......BIG KLEENEX BOX
 

A guy was stung by a SCORPIAN on an ALASKA Airlines flight yesterday.      Most shocking was...

 
When his arm swelled up they charged him $35 for the EXTRA BAG!

Gay Marraige NY/NJ

New Jersey Govenor Chris Christie says Marriage is a Union between and A Man and A Woman.

In HIS case a very FAT MAN and A Woman!
(Did he say UNION?)

The Govenor said, "If God wanted Gays to marry he would have created more DIVORCE LAWYERS!"

Mitt Romney defines Marriage as a union between one man and five women.  None of which are named Sarah Palin!

Anthony Weiner defined Marriage as a union between one cell phone camera and any woman not working for Hillary Clinton on Twitter!

And finally, The Catholic Church came out against Gay Marriage saying It could not afford to pay for all of those Honeymoons for all of those Priests!

End of World omission

Harold Camping, the 90 year old radio evangelist, who predicted the World Will End on May 21, 2011

had a Stroke.  The world did not end as we know. 

I think Mr. Camping fell asleep while reading the scripture about the World Ending and did not see the last two words in the sentence....

"IT WILL BE THE FINAL DAYS AND THE BAD SEED IN THE WORLD SHALL DISSAPPEAR AND RAPTURE AND DEATH WILL PREVAIL AND THE WORLD
SHALL END 0N MAY 21, 2011
FOR YOU!"

 Oh.... I see what the problem was...
GOD Tweeted it to him and there were more than 140 Characters!

Bummer Dude

Arnold Has It MAID

Arnold Schwartzenegger had sex with the maid

Dominique Strauss-Kahn from the IMF Fund forced sex on a maid in his $3000 a night Manhattan hotel room.

Egyptian banker Mahmoud Abdel Salam Omar assaulted a maid in a cheaper $900 dollar a night hotel room two weeks later.

Why do old rich guys who have beautiful wives need to have sex with the maid?

These guys just want to have sex with someone who can clean up after them.

Is that you Mom?  No, it's your MAID!

Maybe it's a Drool think...  Things keep dripping out of your mouth when you hit a certain age.
It's nice to have someone near who can whipe it up!

The hot new pick up-line is, "Would you like to come up to my room?
And clean it!!!"

It's not that these women give great HEAD, they give great VACUUM!

These guys don't ask, "Is she great in bed?"
They ask, "Is she great at making up the bed?"

And excuse me but does Arnold's maid look alot like
the OCTOMOM'S MOM

He's lucky she stopped at ONE

END OF WORLD 9-21

I have some important statements now that we know
the world is ending on Saturday May 21, 2011.

Should I hold off on getting my shoes with a hole fixed?

I'm going to save soo much on Dental work I needed to have done!

Should I hold off on returning a NETFLIX? 
Maybe something to watch in the "Here After Lounge".

What's worse.... Social Security runs out May 21, 2036
And
Medicare ends on May 21, 2047....

I don't want to miss that!


See you IN CHURCH on SUNDAY!